Spencer, Hugo, Freddy, Francis, Agner, Cheska, Binky, Mark-Francis and Funda - no, not the names of ex-children's TV presenters, but just some of the line-up from E4's 'reality' show Made in Chelsea. Think the Only Way is Essex (ITV2) but with much more RP and less PVC. E4's website describes the show as: 'An eye-opening reality series that follows the lives and loves of the socially elite 20-somethings who live in some of London's most exclusive postcodes.' I’d describe it as 67 minutes of clueless poshos sauntering around Chelsea, not doing very much. The programme is shot like the glossy centre pages of Harpers and Queens, very stylised, like it has caviar, foie gras and truffle oil mixed into each shot. This is a visual guide to rich-land.
What is it all about? Some bullets of explanation:
- The show is awash with perfectly made up girls (and boys) whose only real worry in life is who they are seen with and how much they can spend on their hair (or har.)
- The acting (cough) is embarrassing, and they do seem quite embarrassed as a general rule. Lots of awkward pauses and stares into the distance (oh look there's my Faberge egg), which makes it feel all very amateur.
- The fact that they have 'story producers' listed in the closing credits is a bit suspect, hmmm. The producers would argue that it is real people who have just been helped along with some interesting story lines and scripts to compliment their own dialogue. But boy is it cringe-worthy to watch. My eyes still hurt from wincing so much.
- Yet, I find myself glued to the screen, not because it is quality ground breaking television which will enrich my life, but because I just don't get what I am watching. What genre is it? Docu-soap, reality show, comedy spoof show???! (or am I missing the subtle subtext of what the producers are trying to show me, and I'm supposed to be intrigued and entertained by its randomness. I will never know, and I'm not sorry that episode seven of this first series is the only one I've watched!)
Let's get on with what's happened in this thrilling episode
Cue Spencer (slick back hair, million dollar Harley Street smile) and Hugo (goofy teeth and looks like Goran Ivansevic.) They are the best of chaps and are tootling around in their Chelsea Tractor (toot toot beep beep, snort, life's a blast sweetie) cruising around the streets discussing women and Spencer's recent split with his girlfriend, Funda (what, last name crispy pancakes?!) He has decided to move out and is checking himself into an uber posh hotel (maybe the Travel Inn in Chelsea was fully booked?)
Before this we had two girls cycling through the park looking all jolly in their little French shorts. I can't remember what they were talking about but it was probably Spencer or Hugo, or Freddy or Francis...or even where they were going to have their hair (har, yar?) done.
Next we have Rosie (who has eyelashes like spiders legs and a face like she is chewing a plum) who tells Agner (particularly pretty looking dim European blond bird) that while Francis and Fred were fencing (no, I'm not making up all these stereotypes) they were laughing about how they were sharing Agner. Agner is quite offended, though her face doesn't really move much. Rosie looks pleased with herself for sharing this gem of information (the posh do like to stir don't they.)
Francis trots in (literally) moments later. Francis is all big fluffy toffee hair, mega round Harry Potter glasses and preppy stripped tie (and a mouth which hangs about for flys to play in). Agner confronts him, he stutters, trying to get his words out to defend himself but just looks flustered and irritable that this dim blond is having a go at him (how dare she, he thinks, women know your limits.) He interrupts and tries to cut her down, belittling her, and at some stage I just know he wants to say in a David Cameron-esque way 'Calm down dear!'
Meanwhile back at toothy Spencer land, he has booked himself into the Mayfair Hotel. He wears a rather dashing handkerchief in his top pocket. Spencer recently (in Cannes as they keep on mentioning) declared his love for old school chum Caggy. Caggy rebuffed his advances and felt it was 'too close to your break-up with Funda.' The whole episode is mainly centred on the aftermath of this crushed declaration, oh and also they are all preparing for some society masquerade ball. Super-duper exciting sweetie!
At the masquerade ball - which unsurprisingly is full of well to do folk in their decorative masks trying to look like they are having fun for the cameras, but in reality it is very stilted and slow. Francis (unfortunately for him, is wearing a mask with a long pointy nose on it, when he moves the mask up to reveal his face, it sits on top of his head, and well you can work out what he looks like) has it out with Rosie (spider-legs eyelashes) about Agner "You are a meddling little bitch" Francis barks to Rosie, who just laughs in his face. Francis looks very hurt. It's all very pantomime posh.
Next we have Rosie (who has eyelashes like spiders legs and a face like she is chewing a plum) who tells Agner (particularly pretty looking dim European blond bird) that while Francis and Fred were fencing (no, I'm not making up all these stereotypes) they were laughing about how they were sharing Agner. Agner is quite offended, though her face doesn't really move much. Rosie looks pleased with herself for sharing this gem of information (the posh do like to stir don't they.)
Francis trots in (literally) moments later. Francis is all big fluffy toffee hair, mega round Harry Potter glasses and preppy stripped tie (and a mouth which hangs about for flys to play in). Agner confronts him, he stutters, trying to get his words out to defend himself but just looks flustered and irritable that this dim blond is having a go at him (how dare she, he thinks, women know your limits.) He interrupts and tries to cut her down, belittling her, and at some stage I just know he wants to say in a David Cameron-esque way 'Calm down dear!'
Meanwhile back at toothy Spencer land, he has booked himself into the Mayfair Hotel. He wears a rather dashing handkerchief in his top pocket. Spencer recently (in Cannes as they keep on mentioning) declared his love for old school chum Caggy. Caggy rebuffed his advances and felt it was 'too close to your break-up with Funda.' The whole episode is mainly centred on the aftermath of this crushed declaration, oh and also they are all preparing for some society masquerade ball. Super-duper exciting sweetie!
At the masquerade ball - which unsurprisingly is full of well to do folk in their decorative masks trying to look like they are having fun for the cameras, but in reality it is very stilted and slow. Francis (unfortunately for him, is wearing a mask with a long pointy nose on it, when he moves the mask up to reveal his face, it sits on top of his head, and well you can work out what he looks like) has it out with Rosie (spider-legs eyelashes) about Agner "You are a meddling little bitch" Francis barks to Rosie, who just laughs in his face. Francis looks very hurt. It's all very pantomime posh.
Back to Cagencer (see what I did there, amalgamate the names Spencer and Caggy - I could soooo work for Heat magazine) and Mr Toothy is trying to play it cool. I'm not really sure what he is trying to achieve but it’s all so yawn. At one point Spencer says to Caggy: "I genuinely believe you are overreacting." And the prize for most insensitive posh git goes to Spencer, yay.
An entertaining side show from all of this is Ollie. A man so tanned he makes Kat Slater look pale and interesting. A man with such luscious mane-like long brunette locks that he could give Cheryl a run for her money. A man so vacant that he looks like an empty toilet cubicle. He seems as dumb as pig poop, and I'm surprised he hasn't done himself a nasty injury by preening and looking in the mirror so much. It would appear that last episode he came out to his girlfriend (Gabriella, feisty, pretty, scary) that he was bisexual (who knew?!) She is very much the woman scorned especially when she sees him at the masquerade ball flirting with a random girl. When confronted he seems as bothered as an unbothered person. He says to Gabriella 'I thought we were in a friendly place sweetie?'
Ollie is sheer entertainment and makes me laugh every time I see him on screen (this is not a compliment Ollie). He also does this really weird thing with his eyes, I think he would like to call it acting, but it makes him look, well, a bit constipated. I'd say he's definitely from the Derek Zoolander school of acting.
Towards the end, Agner confronts Tim nice but dim 1 and Tim Nice but Dim 2 (collectively known as Freddie and Francis) and basically dumps them both. But not before dim Freddie (with some luscious long blond locks, do him and Ollie go to the same salon?) protests to Agner "We're not sharing you. I can continue to take you out for lunch and so can Francis." Oh dear Freddie, you and Spencer need to retake that charm school module at Eton.
As the episode draws to a close (thank god), we have some touching posh drowning ones sorrows moments from Spencer and Hugo, drinking together in a posh haunt, probably a gentleman's club, and Caggy drinking shots with a friend (can't even remember girl's name she was that memorable in the 67 minutes). Caggy downs the shots like a troubled young woman, and wipes the (probably very expensive) liquid from the back of her hand like a tramp would after necking a bottle of whisky from Spar. Now, that's acting for you darling. I so can't wait for next week's episode. Not.
As the episode draws to a close (thank god), we have some touching posh drowning ones sorrows moments from Spencer and Hugo, drinking together in a posh haunt, probably a gentleman's club, and Caggy drinking shots with a friend (can't even remember girl's name she was that memorable in the 67 minutes). Caggy downs the shots like a troubled young woman, and wipes the (probably very expensive) liquid from the back of her hand like a tramp would after necking a bottle of whisky from Spar. Now, that's acting for you darling. I so can't wait for next week's episode. Not.
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