Camelot comes hot on the heels of The Tudors as an historical soap opera style yarn fuelled with sex, gallopy horseys, tight corsets, memorable one liners, and dashing knights. In fact, I feel like I'm watching the start of The Tudors, the music, the titles, they could be the same, as if they have been cut and pasted, oh hang on, that's cause it's made by the same people (tightwads)! It's typically glossy with a stellar cast and a formidable concoction of goodies versus baddies. Plus all the over acting you could ever wish for. This is Arthur for the post-naughties Heat magazine generation.
Characters and what's going down in Camelot:
King Arthur (he climbed up a water fall in the first episode to pull the sword from the stone you know, Bear Grylls watch out) - very young, scrawny, has a very unkingly bum fluff beard, long blond greasy hair. Looks like something from a Calvin Klein advert, just give him a pair of skinny jeans. Arthur has a real thing for Guinevere, and begs her not to marry her long term boyfriend (who rather awkwardly is one of Arthur's right hand men). They meet on a beach, and although she plays hard to get and says she loves her boyfriend, there is soon much panting and blond locks everywhere. Cue some cheddar-tastic dialogue to capture the steamy moment between our star crossed lovers. Arthur: 'Why are you crying?' Guinevere 'Cause I want this...' After the beach rumpy-pumpy they lay naked in each others arms, it's like an Armani underwear advert (but minus the pants.) Guinnie decides she must do what is right and marry her guy 'He must never know. I must get ready for my wedding' (she says shaking the sand out of her pants, ok not really I made this bit up.) She leaves Arthur butt naked on the beach to sulk, which he does quite well considering he has the face of an adolescent boy.
Characters and what's going down in Camelot:
King Arthur (he climbed up a water fall in the first episode to pull the sword from the stone you know, Bear Grylls watch out) - very young, scrawny, has a very unkingly bum fluff beard, long blond greasy hair. Looks like something from a Calvin Klein advert, just give him a pair of skinny jeans. Arthur has a real thing for Guinevere, and begs her not to marry her long term boyfriend (who rather awkwardly is one of Arthur's right hand men). They meet on a beach, and although she plays hard to get and says she loves her boyfriend, there is soon much panting and blond locks everywhere. Cue some cheddar-tastic dialogue to capture the steamy moment between our star crossed lovers. Arthur: 'Why are you crying?' Guinevere 'Cause I want this...' After the beach rumpy-pumpy they lay naked in each others arms, it's like an Armani underwear advert (but minus the pants.) Guinnie decides she must do what is right and marry her guy 'He must never know. I must get ready for my wedding' (she says shaking the sand out of her pants, ok not really I made this bit up.) She leaves Arthur butt naked on the beach to sulk, which he does quite well considering he has the face of an adolescent boy.
Merlin - played by Joesph Fiennes, acting just like he did as William Shakespeare in Shakespeare in Love (only difference is the lack of hair on his head). Fiennes frowns a lot and looks very harsh, his over acting is stupendous, looks as if he could crack walnuts with his stare. Small goatee beard (obviously where he hides his magic tricks) and shaven head. No magic wand or long white beard, I am disappointed.
Morgan (Eva Green) - sultry half sister of Arthur, is a bit peeved that she isn't Queen now, even though she poisoned her own father (King Uther) to try and get his crown. She had been banished by Daddy (like a naughty teenager) when she was younger and despised her father and his new wife (could possibly be because her stepmother has the most amazing cheekbones.)
Morgan invites Arthur over to her house (I mean castle) to try and find out more about her brother and get to know him (yeah right, she's evil! Don't RSVP her!) Merlin (as Arthur's protector) is sceptical and doesn’t trust Morgan, but Arthur is young and feels like it's time to get to know his big sis (silly boy.) Later as they drink together (Arthur has gone to bed like a good boy), Morgan poisons Merlin's wine (great ham from Fiennes as he fakes being poisoned) which leads him to figure out it was Morgan who poisoned the old King. Before he can do anything he's out cold. Morgan is very witchy and mixes her own potions (I bet she'd do a mean cocktail). She takes the drugged up Merlin prisoner and shackles him to the bed. While he is drugged up she takes his toe nails and clips his beard (maybe she is getting her ingredients ready for Camelot Come Dine With Me).
Eva Green is haughty and nasty, and as per usual has great eye make up, smokey! But someone please tell me what accent she has!? Merlin soon escapes and makes an exit, on the way out he sees his evil girl nemesis looking pleased with herself 'You’re leaving?' asks an observant Morgan whilst holding a barn owl (oooo a barn owl, not the most menacing-looking of feathered side kicks for a baddie, more Countryfile than bad girl.)
Back on the beach we see lots of fine topless young men running around and playing together on the beach (came of tag chaps), they shout 'last night of freedom’ to Leontes, Guinevere's fiancé. Now if only they had a volleyball and a great 80s soundtrack for a montage, it could be Top Gun (we all remember than scene!)
Meanwhile back at Camelot preparations are underway for a lavish wedding (forget Kate and Wills). Leontes asks Arthur to proceed over the ceremony (awkward), Arthur of course cannot refuse (how I love a love triangle.) The groom looks resplendent in red velvet (reminds me of a party dress I had in 1984). I don't think he went to Moss Bros for this either. At the wedding Arthur looks like a moody teenager forced to wear his Dad's old formal gear, which includes some dead animal of sorts draped across his back (like this is so unfair!) Combine this with his general grumpiness that Guinevere is not marrying him, and you get the picture of how long his face is. Guinevere marries Leonates, but not before longing glances between her and Arthur. It's all so Mills and Boon, or actually a bit Neighbours circa 1988. We also get some nice atmospheric balcony singing from an angelic lady who sounds like she also recorded the soundtrack for Lord of the Rings (you know all the Liv Tyler and Cate Blanchett scenes.)
Back on the beach we see lots of fine topless young men running around and playing together on the beach (came of tag chaps), they shout 'last night of freedom’ to Leontes, Guinevere's fiancé. Now if only they had a volleyball and a great 80s soundtrack for a montage, it could be Top Gun (we all remember than scene!)
Meanwhile back at Camelot preparations are underway for a lavish wedding (forget Kate and Wills). Leontes asks Arthur to proceed over the ceremony (awkward), Arthur of course cannot refuse (how I love a love triangle.) The groom looks resplendent in red velvet (reminds me of a party dress I had in 1984). I don't think he went to Moss Bros for this either. At the wedding Arthur looks like a moody teenager forced to wear his Dad's old formal gear, which includes some dead animal of sorts draped across his back (like this is so unfair!) Combine this with his general grumpiness that Guinevere is not marrying him, and you get the picture of how long his face is. Guinevere marries Leonates, but not before longing glances between her and Arthur. It's all so Mills and Boon, or actually a bit Neighbours circa 1988. We also get some nice atmospheric balcony singing from an angelic lady who sounds like she also recorded the soundtrack for Lord of the Rings (you know all the Liv Tyler and Cate Blanchett scenes.)
While we are enjoying the wedding celebrations and the big love in, over on the dark side, evil Morgan (evil laugh) is cocktail mixing again, but this time in her father's former dungeon (she should sell tickets, she'd make a mint.) As ever she is looking super witchy, with her long dressing gown and black eyes. It all looks like a seance with flickering candles, mystic symbols scrawled on the floor with chalk (where's Dr Robert Langdon when you need him eh?) smoke drifting across the scene (god bless smoke machines). I feel like I'm watching one of those Americana ‘contact the dead’ programmes on some obscure Sky channel (not that I watch these things you understand.) She drops a signet ring covered with Arthur's blood (which she playfully extracted in an earlier scene, as you would) into a jug of water and whispers under her breath (I'm kinda wishing she would cackle at this stage) 'Let's see what's truly in your heart brother.' She then gets to see what he is seeing, like she has transferred into his body and can see through his eyes. I’m going to take wild guess that she is going to use this power for some Machiavellian mischief.
Guinevere is wracked with guilt, but of course still does the conjugal thing with her new hubby, I mean just to seal the deal. The show ends with her standing on her balcony, her perfect blond locks whipping in the wind (great wind machine) and looking out onto the choppy sea below, the lovely choral lady sings in the background (I think they had her on shuffle you know), and the CGI masters do their bit with crashing waves and the castle background. I think these elements were meant to heighten the tension, but I don't buy Guinivere's guilty conscience or her soap style acting, and I predict before long she'll be bed hopping once more with the boy king.
Camelot is pretty ok, I mean it's not as good as Disney's Sword in the Stone (for one thing it doesn't have an over sexed squirrel), but it's mildly watchable (in an entertaining but completely historically inaccurate way), purely for watching the dastardly antics of Morgan, oh and watching Joesph Fiennes' growling frown, which should have a script of its own. I'm also quite keen to see whether gangly Arthur manages to grow a man beard and gain a King-like pot belly. I just wish they would start dropping in a few Monty Python songs and then they'd be flying.
Guinevere is wracked with guilt, but of course still does the conjugal thing with her new hubby, I mean just to seal the deal. The show ends with her standing on her balcony, her perfect blond locks whipping in the wind (great wind machine) and looking out onto the choppy sea below, the lovely choral lady sings in the background (I think they had her on shuffle you know), and the CGI masters do their bit with crashing waves and the castle background. I think these elements were meant to heighten the tension, but I don't buy Guinivere's guilty conscience or her soap style acting, and I predict before long she'll be bed hopping once more with the boy king.
Camelot is pretty ok, I mean it's not as good as Disney's Sword in the Stone (for one thing it doesn't have an over sexed squirrel), but it's mildly watchable (in an entertaining but completely historically inaccurate way), purely for watching the dastardly antics of Morgan, oh and watching Joesph Fiennes' growling frown, which should have a script of its own. I'm also quite keen to see whether gangly Arthur manages to grow a man beard and gain a King-like pot belly. I just wish they would start dropping in a few Monty Python songs and then they'd be flying.
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