"I'm looking for someone who’s got a brain..." well Lord Sugar, you might as well stop looking as you've got your work cut out with the current cast of reprobates on this week's Apprentice.
This week's task, entitled Freemium Magazine Launch, encouraged the remaining candidates to create and launch their own magazine and pitch to advertisers, in the hope of selling as much advertising space as possible to win. Northern Irish Jim was project manager this week (or PM as they love to call it - god help us if any of this lot ever make it to Parliament), and soon set about trying to woo stone faced monotone moaning-minnie Zoe with his line (while playing with his tie) 'I've never worked with you Zoe...I'm looking forward to it.' They shook hands and Zoe blushed. You could cut the sexual tension with the tip of a Bic pen. This however was short lived, as during the course of the episode it was quite clear they were chasing their own agendas, instead of each other.
At the beginning of the task they were given a valuable piece of advice from an established publisher who said 'It's all about understanding your consumer.' This fell on deaf ears as they set about creating their magazines. I watched with my head in my hands as Zoe came up with the idea to call their magazine (aimed at the over 60's) 'Hip Replacement.' I continued to laugh throughout the remainder of the programme every time they referred to Hip Replacement during serious business talk. I fear I wasn't the only one, as the face of the advertisers they were pitching to could barely conceal their sniggers. Why why why did no one turn round and scream 'This is a ridiculous idea'! What a bunch of muppets, thank goodness they don't work in publishing (although saying that, who came up with the idea for the magazine name Nuts!?) Funnier still was their article on how to use a mobile phone and make a call, like the over 60's are all technologically inept. The humour, however, wasn't just restricted to Zoe and Jim's team.
This week's task, entitled Freemium Magazine Launch, encouraged the remaining candidates to create and launch their own magazine and pitch to advertisers, in the hope of selling as much advertising space as possible to win. Northern Irish Jim was project manager this week (or PM as they love to call it - god help us if any of this lot ever make it to Parliament), and soon set about trying to woo stone faced monotone moaning-minnie Zoe with his line (while playing with his tie) 'I've never worked with you Zoe...I'm looking forward to it.' They shook hands and Zoe blushed. You could cut the sexual tension with the tip of a Bic pen. This however was short lived, as during the course of the episode it was quite clear they were chasing their own agendas, instead of each other.
At the beginning of the task they were given a valuable piece of advice from an established publisher who said 'It's all about understanding your consumer.' This fell on deaf ears as they set about creating their magazines. I watched with my head in my hands as Zoe came up with the idea to call their magazine (aimed at the over 60's) 'Hip Replacement.' I continued to laugh throughout the remainder of the programme every time they referred to Hip Replacement during serious business talk. I fear I wasn't the only one, as the face of the advertisers they were pitching to could barely conceal their sniggers. Why why why did no one turn round and scream 'This is a ridiculous idea'! What a bunch of muppets, thank goodness they don't work in publishing (although saying that, who came up with the idea for the magazine name Nuts!?) Funnier still was their article on how to use a mobile phone and make a call, like the over 60's are all technologically inept. The humour, however, wasn't just restricted to Zoe and Jim's team.
Over on Team Logic team leader Natasha came up with the idea of a lads magazine with the name 'Covered'. During the process she came out with some intellectually stimulating gems such as 'Lads magazines are about lads, yeah' and 'porn sells.' How this girl isn't on MENSA's hit list I'll never know. The titillation (and my tittering continued) with the idea of calling one of the magazine's features 'How do you blow your load?'. I mean, seriously!?!?? They then went about asking random men in the street ”How do you blow your load?” (of course this meant “how do you spend your money?”) The smuttiness did not stop there. As Nastasha so eloquently put it 'Porn sells', therefore cue a photoshoot with a scantily clad woman pulling at her knickers and dressed in a suit jacket and hard hat (they seemed to be trying to create a naughty mixed up combination of Mr Benn and The Village People builder). Did anyone notice the model looked crossed eyed too?!
I have to get back to Natasha, I'm sure she doesn't intentionally mean to be funny, but some of her lines had me in stitches, such as: 'We don't want to drop our pants before we get in there.' She also referred to the term USP wayyyyy too many times. Perhaps not everyone knew that USP stands for unique selling point. Thanks to Natasha, the Chartered Institute of Marketing now don't need to teach this in any of their courses as she told the whole world 60 billion times about USP's!!!
Fast forward to the boardroom and the results...Initially it looked like Team Venture and their hideous sounding mag 'Hip Replacement' had sealed the deal with the most advertising space sold, but like all good boardroom scenes there is a twist (shock horror, ok not really). In the final moments Team Logic are revealed as the winners having sold a ridiculous amount of advertising space to one buyer to pip their rivals to the post (even though Lord Sugar questioned their magazine by asking 'So your magazine is a bit like the FT with a swimwear section?!' and some of the media buyers had commented that the magazine was a 'bit 90s and what FHM was doing back in 1997.') Of course we have the obligatory shots of the losing team looking thoroughly gutted and the winners leaping up and down like little children.
And so, Team Venture carry their sorry arses to the scabby truckers cafe (which apparently is a real cafe not some mock up with MDF walls in BBC Television Centre) to drown their sorrows with dishwater tea and dissect what went wrong. I mean what can go wrong with a magazine with the name Hip Replacement? As ever a beacon of optimism, Northern Irish Jim's eyes weren't smiling when he gloomily and unhelpfully said to his fellow losers 'I know what happens next.'
Jim decides to bring in Susan and geezer Glenn (who describes himself as a 'barrowboy done good'. He also declared in the heated moments of the boardroom that he was 'social secretary of a football club'. Funnily enough, this jewel of information didn't really impress the rolling eyes of Lord Sugar.) Personally they are all pretty rubbish. Susan came across as the tiny little squeaky mouse voice (or Bambi as Jim nicely refers to her, great to see Disney are getting a mention!) not making her point (though to her credit she is the only one who said the name Hip Replacement was a bad idea). They all get their personalities and actions cross examined and Jim doesn't escape lightly. Nick (good old Nick) pipes up that he feels Jim was a control freak throughout the task, with Karen nodding in agreement and chipping in that Jim is a 'passive aggressive personality.' Jim looks hurt for all of a milli second and then opens his mouth with a tirade of denials. There is a very funny moment when Jim and Susan are arguing over what he asked her to do through the task, he shouts to her 'pitch, pitch' but his regional accent makes it sound like he is barking 'bitch, bitch' at poor Bambi. Where's Thumper when you need him!?
Fast forward to the boardroom and the results...Initially it looked like Team Venture and their hideous sounding mag 'Hip Replacement' had sealed the deal with the most advertising space sold, but like all good boardroom scenes there is a twist (shock horror, ok not really). In the final moments Team Logic are revealed as the winners having sold a ridiculous amount of advertising space to one buyer to pip their rivals to the post (even though Lord Sugar questioned their magazine by asking 'So your magazine is a bit like the FT with a swimwear section?!' and some of the media buyers had commented that the magazine was a 'bit 90s and what FHM was doing back in 1997.') Of course we have the obligatory shots of the losing team looking thoroughly gutted and the winners leaping up and down like little children.
And so, Team Venture carry their sorry arses to the scabby truckers cafe (which apparently is a real cafe not some mock up with MDF walls in BBC Television Centre) to drown their sorrows with dishwater tea and dissect what went wrong. I mean what can go wrong with a magazine with the name Hip Replacement? As ever a beacon of optimism, Northern Irish Jim's eyes weren't smiling when he gloomily and unhelpfully said to his fellow losers 'I know what happens next.'
Jim decides to bring in Susan and geezer Glenn (who describes himself as a 'barrowboy done good'. He also declared in the heated moments of the boardroom that he was 'social secretary of a football club'. Funnily enough, this jewel of information didn't really impress the rolling eyes of Lord Sugar.) Personally they are all pretty rubbish. Susan came across as the tiny little squeaky mouse voice (or Bambi as Jim nicely refers to her, great to see Disney are getting a mention!) not making her point (though to her credit she is the only one who said the name Hip Replacement was a bad idea). They all get their personalities and actions cross examined and Jim doesn't escape lightly. Nick (good old Nick) pipes up that he feels Jim was a control freak throughout the task, with Karen nodding in agreement and chipping in that Jim is a 'passive aggressive personality.' Jim looks hurt for all of a milli second and then opens his mouth with a tirade of denials. There is a very funny moment when Jim and Susan are arguing over what he asked her to do through the task, he shouts to her 'pitch, pitch' but his regional accent makes it sound like he is barking 'bitch, bitch' at poor Bambi. Where's Thumper when you need him!?
They all squabble like desperate children trying to escape an old fashioned hiding. The music begins (to heighten the tension no doubt) and Lord Sugar does his normal thing of summing up each of the three and what he doesn't like about them. Geezer Glenn ultimately gets the chop with Lord Sugar pointing the finger at him and firing him with the lasting comment 'I've never seen an engineer who can turn his hand to business'. This comment has apparently not gone down very well with the Royal Society of Engineers! Bye bye Glenn, back to organising nights out at your local football club.
Eight candidates remain, who goes you decide (no wait, wrong show). Next week they are in Paris, and I'm already looking forward to seeing them stumble with their mispronounced French. Oo la la
Eight candidates remain, who goes you decide (no wait, wrong show). Next week they are in Paris, and I'm already looking forward to seeing them stumble with their mispronounced French. Oo la la
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