Mildred Pierce, Sky Atlantic Saturday 25 June 2011

Mildred Pierce is the much publicised new TV adaptation of the 1941 James M Cain novel, starring Kate Winslet in the leading role (the story was originally turned into a classic film noir in 1945, starring the angular-faced Joan Crawford who won an Oscar for her role.) Mildred Pierce is a Depression-era American housewife (cue flowery pinny and immaculate kitchen) whose husband  (Brill-creamed successful businessman who cuts the grass at the weekends) has left her and her two young daughters to fend for themselves (mutterings of infidelity are mentioned as Mildred calmly decorates an ornate chocolate cake in the opening scenes of the episode.) It's a puzzling first episode as nothing really happens, not in the classic shoot-em up drama kind of way. This is definitely not a death a minute, wham bam thank you mamm, bums and gums yarn. Definitely more of a thoughtful tortoise paced drama.  It's slow but interesting and tells the unfolding of Mildred's life as she struggles to afford basic groceries (Mr Mildred Pierce didn’t hang around to leave his wife any child maintenance payments it seems, so she has to go down the Tesco Value aisle from now on) and has to try to get a job of her own (which is a bit frowned upon in the circles Mildred frequents.) Mildred is subtly arrogant (though wouldn't want to admit it), old fashioned and stubborn (we see her turn down many jobs as she doesn't think they are worthy of her) yet, she seems strangely likeable. I’m not sure whether it's Winslet's acting (she does some great frowning in these scenes, much like those she won her Oscar for in The Reader, but I'm happy to say her eyebrows are much less furry in this screen outing) or it's this new adaptation, which is sumptuous and very soapy (the early scenes with Mildred in full housewife get up does remind me of the early Corrie days, I'm half disappointed the props department didn't shove some pink rollers in her barnet.) She finally takes a job as a waitress, and as you would expect she is pretty rubbish at it (though I don't think the guy pinching her bum was her fault). As she slips her unflattering waitress outfit on, you can hear her social status clunk to the floor, along with her pride.

That's it really for the first instalment (apart from an awkward romantic interlude with her former husband's unattractive business partner). It sounds boring doesn't it, but what makes it watchable is its attention to detail (the scenes are played out as if they are on stage and have all the time in the world) and its ability to capture the era really well. It certainly likes its characterisations too. This simple first outing is without doubt the calm before the storm, as it feels like there is much more to come (I'm hoping they skip along at a canter rather than a plod in the next episode.) The eldest of Mildred's daughters is definitely one to watch out for as she does appear to have all the makings of a spoilt brat, I think she might cause her Mum quite a bit of strife once the hormones start spilling out. The youngest daughter's role seems to be 'just act cute when we point the camera at you.' She also says 'cut the mush' a lot when things start getting a bit emotional in the Pierce household (I've got a feeling she might be saying this quite a lot more as the series develops.) We also get Mike from Neighbours turning up in the next few episodes, yay!



 

Camelot, Channel4 Saturday 18 June 2011

 Camelot comes hot on the heels of The Tudors as an historical soap opera style yarn fuelled with sex, gallopy horseys, tight corsets, memorable one liners, and dashing knights. In fact, I feel like I'm watching the start of The Tudors, the music, the titles, they could be the same, as if they have been cut and pasted, oh hang on, that's cause it's made by the same people (tightwads)! It's typically glossy with a stellar cast and a formidable concoction of goodies versus baddies. Plus all the over acting you could ever wish for. This is Arthur for the post-naughties Heat magazine generation.

Characters and what's going down in Camelot:

King Arthur (he climbed up a water fall in the first episode to pull the sword from the stone you know, Bear Grylls watch out) - very young, scrawny, has a very unkingly bum fluff beard, long blond greasy hair. Looks like something from a Calvin Klein advert, just give him a pair of skinny jeans. Arthur has a real thing for Guinevere, and begs her not to marry her long term boyfriend (who rather awkwardly is one of Arthur's right hand men). They meet on a beach, and although she plays hard to get and says she loves her boyfriend, there is soon much panting and blond locks everywhere. Cue some cheddar-tastic dialogue to capture the steamy moment between our star crossed lovers. Arthur: 'Why are you crying?' Guinevere 'Cause I want this...' After the beach rumpy-pumpy they lay naked in each others arms, it's like an Armani underwear advert (but minus the pants.) Guinnie decides she must do what is right and marry her guy 'He must never know. I must get ready for my wedding' (she says shaking the sand out of her pants, ok not really I made this bit up.) She leaves Arthur butt naked on the beach to sulk, which he does quite well considering he has the face of an adolescent boy. 

Merlin - played by Joesph Fiennes, acting just like he did as William Shakespeare in Shakespeare in Love (only difference is the lack of hair on his head). Fiennes frowns a lot and looks very harsh, his over acting is stupendous, looks as if he could crack walnuts with his stare. Small goatee beard (obviously where he hides his magic tricks) and shaven head. No magic wand or long white beard, I am disappointed.

Morgan (Eva Green) - sultry half sister of Arthur, is a bit peeved that she isn't Queen now, even though she poisoned her own father (King Uther) to try and get his crown. She had been banished by Daddy (like a naughty teenager) when she was younger and despised her father and his new wife (could possibly be because her stepmother has the most amazing cheekbones.)

Morgan invites Arthur over to her house (I mean castle) to try and find out more about her brother and get to know him (yeah right, she's evil! Don't RSVP her!) Merlin (as Arthur's protector) is sceptical and doesn’t trust Morgan, but Arthur is young and feels like it's time to get to know his big sis (silly boy.) Later as they drink together (Arthur has gone to bed like a good boy), Morgan poisons Merlin's wine (great ham from Fiennes as he fakes being poisoned) which leads him to figure out it was Morgan who poisoned the old King. Before he can do anything he's out cold. Morgan is very witchy and mixes her own potions (I bet she'd do a mean cocktail). She takes the drugged up Merlin prisoner and shackles him to the bed. While he is drugged up she takes his toe nails and clips his beard (maybe she is getting her ingredients ready for Camelot Come Dine With Me). 

Eva Green is haughty and nasty, and as per usual has great eye make up, smokey! But someone please tell me what accent she has!? Merlin soon escapes and makes an exit, on the way out he sees his evil girl nemesis looking pleased with herself 'You’re leaving?' asks an observant Morgan whilst holding a barn owl (oooo a barn owl, not the most menacing-looking of feathered side kicks for a baddie, more Countryfile than bad girl.)

Back on the beach we see lots of fine topless young men running around and playing together on the beach (came of tag chaps), they shout 'last night of freedom’ to Leontes, Guinevere's fiancé. Now if only they had a volleyball and a great 80s soundtrack for a montage, it could be Top Gun (we all remember than scene!)

Meanwhile back at Camelot preparations are underway for a lavish wedding (forget Kate and Wills). Leontes asks Arthur to proceed over the ceremony (awkward), Arthur of course cannot refuse (how I love a love triangle.) The groom looks resplendent in red velvet (reminds me of a party dress I had in 1984). I don't think he went to Moss Bros for this either. At the wedding Arthur looks like a moody teenager forced to wear his Dad's old formal gear, which includes some dead animal of sorts draped across his back (like this is so unfair!) Combine this with his general grumpiness that Guinevere is not marrying him, and you get the picture of how long his face is. Guinevere marries Leonates, but not before longing glances between her and Arthur. It's all so Mills and Boon, or actually a bit Neighbours circa 1988. We also get some nice atmospheric balcony singing from an angelic lady who sounds like she also recorded the soundtrack for Lord of the Rings (you know all the Liv Tyler and Cate Blanchett scenes.) 

While we are enjoying the wedding celebrations and the big love in, over on the dark side, evil Morgan (evil laugh) is cocktail mixing again, but this time in her father's former dungeon (she should sell tickets, she'd make a mint.) As ever she is looking super witchy, with her long dressing gown and black eyes. It all looks like a seance with flickering candles, mystic symbols scrawled on the floor with chalk (where's Dr Robert Langdon when you need him eh?) smoke drifting across the scene (god bless smoke machines). I feel like I'm watching one of those Americana ‘contact the dead’ programmes on some obscure Sky channel (not that I watch these things you understand.) She drops a signet ring covered with Arthur's blood (which she playfully extracted in an earlier scene, as you would) into a jug of water and whispers under her breath (I'm kinda wishing she would cackle at this stage) 'Let's see what's truly in your heart brother.' She then gets to see what he is seeing, like she has transferred into his body and can see through his eyes. I’m going to take wild guess that she is going to use this power for some Machiavellian mischief.

Guinevere is wracked with guilt, but of course still does the conjugal thing with her new hubby, I mean just to seal the deal. The show ends with her standing on her balcony, her perfect blond locks whipping in the wind (great wind machine) and looking out onto the choppy sea below, the lovely choral lady sings in the background (I think they had her on shuffle you know), and the CGI masters do their bit with crashing waves and the castle background. I think these elements were meant to heighten the tension, but I don't buy Guinivere's guilty conscience or her soap style acting, and I predict before long she'll be bed hopping once more with the boy king.

Camelot is pretty ok, I mean it's not as good as Disney's Sword in the Stone (for one thing it doesn't have an over sexed squirrel), but it's mildly watchable (in an entertaining but completely historically inaccurate way), purely for watching the dastardly antics of Morgan, oh and watching Joesph Fiennes' growling frown, which should have a script of its own. I'm also quite keen to see whether gangly Arthur manages to grow a man beard and gain a King-like pot belly. I just wish they would start dropping in a few Monty Python songs and then they'd be flying.

Made in Chelsea, E4 Monday 20 June 2011

Spencer, Hugo, Freddy, Francis, Agner, Cheska, Binky, Mark-Francis and Funda - no, not the names of ex-children's TV presenters, but just some of the line-up from E4's 'reality' show Made in Chelsea. Think the Only Way is Essex (ITV2) but with much more RP and less PVC. E4's website describes the show as: 'An eye-opening reality series that follows the lives and loves of the socially elite 20-somethings who live in some of London's most exclusive postcodes.' I’d describe it as 67 minutes of clueless poshos sauntering around Chelsea, not doing very much. The programme is shot like the glossy centre pages of Harpers and Queens, very stylised, like it has caviar, foie gras and truffle oil mixed into each shot. This is a visual guide to rich-land. 

What is it all about? Some bullets of explanation:

• The show is awash with perfectly made up girls (and boys) whose only real worry in life is who they are seen with and how much they can spend on their hair (or har.)
• The acting (cough) is embarrassing, and they do seem quite embarrassed as a general rule. Lots of awkward pauses and stares into the distance (oh look there's my Faberge egg), which makes it feel all very amateur.
• The fact that they have 'story producers' listed in the closing credits is a bit suspect, hmmm. The producers would argue that it is real people who have just been helped along with some interesting story lines and scripts to compliment their own dialogue. But boy is it cringe-worthy to watch. My eyes still hurt from wincing so much.
• Yet, I find myself glued to the screen, not because it is quality ground breaking television which will enrich my life, but because I just don't get what I am watching. What genre is it? Docu-soap, reality show, comedy spoof show???! (or am I missing the subtle subtext of what the producers are trying to show me, and I'm supposed to be intrigued and entertained by its randomness. I will never know, and I'm not sorry that episode seven of this first series is the only one I've watched!)

Let's get on with what's happened in this thrilling episode

Cue Spencer (slick back hair, million dollar Harley Street smile) and Hugo (goofy teeth and looks like Goran Ivansevic.) They are the best of chaps and are tootling around in their Chelsea Tractor (toot toot beep beep, snort, life's a blast sweetie) cruising around the streets discussing women and Spencer's recent split with his girlfriend, Funda (what, last name crispy pancakes?!) He has decided to move out and is checking  himself into an uber posh hotel (maybe the Travel Inn in Chelsea was fully booked?)

Before this we had two girls cycling through the park looking all jolly in their little French shorts. I can't remember what they were talking about but it was probably Spencer or Hugo, or Freddy or Francis...or even where they were going to have their hair (har, yar?) done.
 
Next we have Rosie (who has eyelashes like spiders legs and a face like she is chewing a plum) who tells Agner (particularly pretty looking dim European blond bird) that while Francis and Fred were fencing (no, I'm not making up all these stereotypes) they were laughing about how they were sharing Agner. Agner is quite offended, though her face doesn't really move much. Rosie looks pleased with herself for sharing this gem of information (the posh do like to stir don't they.)

Francis trots in (literally) moments later. Francis is all big fluffy toffee hair, mega round Harry Potter glasses and preppy stripped tie (and a mouth which hangs about for flys to play in). Agner confronts him, he stutters, trying to get his words out to defend himself but just looks flustered and irritable that this dim blond is having a go at him (how dare she, he thinks, women know your limits.) He interrupts and tries to cut her down, belittling her, and at some stage I just know he wants to say in a David Cameron-esque way 'Calm down dear!'

Meanwhile back at toothy Spencer land, he has booked himself into the Mayfair Hotel. He wears a rather dashing handkerchief in his top pocket. Spencer recently (in Cannes as they keep on mentioning) declared his love for old school chum Caggy. Caggy rebuffed his advances and felt it was 'too close to your break-up with Funda.' The whole episode is mainly centred on the aftermath of this crushed declaration, oh and also they are all preparing for some society masquerade ball. Super-duper exciting sweetie!

At the masquerade ball - which unsurprisingly is full of well to do folk in their decorative masks trying to look like they are having fun for the cameras, but in reality it is very stilted and slow. Francis (unfortunately for him, is wearing a mask with a long pointy nose on it, when he moves the mask up to reveal his face, it sits on top of his head, and well you can work out what he looks like) has it out with Rosie (spider-legs eyelashes) about Agner "You are a meddling little bitch" Francis barks to Rosie, who just laughs in his face. Francis looks very hurt. It's all very pantomime posh. 

Back to Cagencer (see what I did there, amalgamate the names Spencer and Caggy - I could soooo work for Heat magazine) and Mr Toothy is trying to play it cool. I'm not really sure what he is trying to achieve but it’s all so yawn. At one point Spencer says to Caggy: "I genuinely believe you are overreacting." And the prize for most insensitive posh git goes to Spencer, yay.

An entertaining side show from all of this is Ollie. A man so tanned he makes Kat Slater look pale and interesting. A man with such luscious mane-like long brunette locks that he could give Cheryl a run for her money. A man so vacant that he looks like an empty toilet cubicle. He seems as dumb as pig poop, and I'm surprised he hasn't done himself a nasty injury by preening and looking in the mirror so much. It would appear that last episode he came out to his girlfriend (Gabriella, feisty, pretty, scary) that he was bisexual (who knew?!) She is very much the woman scorned especially when she sees him at the masquerade ball flirting with a random girl. When confronted he seems as bothered as an unbothered person. He says to Gabriella 'I thought we were in a friendly place sweetie?'

Ollie is sheer entertainment and makes me laugh every time I see him on screen (this is not a compliment Ollie). He also does this really weird thing with his eyes, I think he would like to call it acting, but it makes him look, well, a bit constipated. I'd say he's definitely from the Derek Zoolander school of acting. 

Towards the end, Agner confronts Tim nice but dim 1 and Tim Nice but Dim 2 (collectively known as Freddie and Francis) and basically dumps them both. But not before dim Freddie (with some luscious long blond locks, do him and Ollie go to the same salon?) protests to Agner "We're not sharing you. I can continue to take you out for lunch and so can Francis." Oh dear Freddie, you and Spencer need to retake that charm school module at Eton.

As the episode draws to a close (thank god), we have some touching posh drowning ones sorrows moments from Spencer and Hugo, drinking together in a posh haunt, probably a gentleman's club, and Caggy drinking shots with a friend (can't even remember girl's name she was that memorable in the 67 minutes). Caggy downs the shots like a troubled young woman, and wipes the (probably very expensive) liquid from the back of her hand like a tramp would after necking a bottle of whisky from Spar. Now, that's acting for you darling. I so can't wait for next week's episode. Not.

The Apprentice, BBC1 Wednesday 15 June 2011

"I'm looking for someone who’s got a brain..." well Lord Sugar, you might as well stop looking as you've got your work cut out with the current cast of reprobates on this week's Apprentice.

This week's task, entitled Freemium Magazine Launch, encouraged the remaining candidates to create and launch their own magazine and pitch to advertisers, in the hope of selling as much advertising space as possible to win. Northern Irish Jim was project manager this week (or PM as they love to call it - god help us if any of this lot ever make it to Parliament), and soon set about trying to woo stone faced monotone moaning-minnie Zoe with his line (while playing with his tie) 'I've never worked with you Zoe...I'm looking forward to it.' They shook hands and Zoe blushed. You could cut the sexual tension with the tip of a Bic pen. This however was short lived, as during the course of the episode it was quite clear they were chasing their own agendas, instead of each other.

At the beginning of the task they were given a valuable piece of advice from an established publisher who said 'It's all about understanding your consumer.' This fell on deaf ears as they set about creating their magazines. I watched with my head in my hands as Zoe came up with the idea to call their magazine (aimed at the over 60's) 'Hip Replacement.' I continued to laugh throughout the remainder of the programme every time they referred to Hip Replacement during serious business talk. I fear I wasn't the only one, as the face of the advertisers they were pitching to could barely conceal their sniggers. Why why why did no one turn round and scream 'This is a ridiculous idea'! What a bunch of muppets, thank goodness they don't work in publishing (although saying that, who came up with the idea for the magazine name Nuts!?) Funnier still was their article on how to use a mobile phone and make a call, like the over 60's are all technologically inept. The humour, however, wasn't just restricted to Zoe and Jim's team. 

Over on Team Logic team leader Natasha came up with the idea of a lads magazine with the name 'Covered'. During the process she came out with some intellectually stimulating gems such as 'Lads magazines are about lads, yeah' and 'porn sells.' How this girl isn't on MENSA's hit list I'll never know. The titillation (and my tittering continued) with the idea of calling one of the magazine's features 'How do you blow your load?'. I mean, seriously!?!?? They then went about asking random men in the street ”How do you blow your load?” (of course this meant “how do you spend your money?”) The smuttiness did not stop there. As Nastasha so eloquently put it 'Porn sells', therefore cue a photoshoot with a scantily clad woman pulling at her knickers and dressed in a suit jacket and hard hat (they seemed to be trying to create a naughty mixed up combination of Mr Benn and The Village People builder). Did anyone notice the model looked crossed eyed too?!

I have to get back to Natasha, I'm sure she doesn't intentionally mean to be funny, but some of her lines had me in stitches, such as: 'We don't want to drop our pants before we get in there.' She also referred to the term USP wayyyyy too many times. Perhaps not everyone knew that USP stands for unique selling point. Thanks to Natasha, the Chartered Institute of Marketing now don't need to teach this in any of their courses as she told the whole world 60 billion times about USP's!!!

Fast forward to the boardroom and the results...Initially it looked like Team Venture and their hideous sounding mag 'Hip Replacement' had sealed the deal with the most advertising space sold, but like all good boardroom scenes there is a twist (shock horror, ok not really). In the final moments Team Logic are revealed as the winners having sold a ridiculous amount of advertising space to one buyer to pip their rivals to the post (even though Lord Sugar questioned their magazine by asking 'So your magazine is a bit like the FT with a swimwear section?!' and some of the media buyers had commented that the magazine was a 'bit 90s and what FHM was doing back in 1997.') Of course we have the obligatory shots of the losing team looking thoroughly gutted and the winners leaping up and down like little children.

And so, Team Venture carry their sorry arses to the scabby truckers cafe (which apparently is a real cafe not some mock up with MDF walls in BBC Television Centre) to drown their sorrows with dishwater tea and dissect what went wrong. I mean what can go wrong with a magazine with the name Hip Replacement? As ever a beacon of optimism, Northern Irish Jim's eyes weren't smiling when he gloomily and unhelpfully said to his fellow losers 'I know what happens next.'

Jim decides to bring in Susan and geezer Glenn (who describes himself as a 'barrowboy done good'. He also declared in the heated moments of the boardroom that he was 'social secretary of a football club'. Funnily enough, this jewel of information didn't really impress the rolling eyes of Lord Sugar.) Personally they are all pretty rubbish. Susan came across as the tiny little squeaky mouse voice (or Bambi as Jim nicely refers to her, great to see Disney are getting a mention!) not making her point (though to her credit she is the only one who said the name Hip Replacement was a bad idea). They all get their personalities and actions cross examined and Jim doesn't escape lightly. Nick (good old Nick) pipes up that he feels Jim was a control freak throughout the task, with Karen nodding in agreement and chipping in that Jim is a 'passive aggressive personality.' Jim looks hurt for all of a milli second and then opens his mouth with a tirade of denials. There is a very funny moment when Jim and Susan are arguing over what he asked her to do through the task, he shouts to her 'pitch, pitch' but his regional accent makes it sound like he is barking 'bitch, bitch' at poor Bambi. Where's Thumper when you need him!?

They all squabble like desperate children trying to escape an old fashioned hiding. The music begins (to heighten the tension no doubt) and Lord Sugar does his normal thing of summing up each of the three and what he doesn't like about them. Geezer Glenn ultimately gets the chop with Lord Sugar pointing the finger at him and firing him with the lasting comment 'I've never seen an engineer who can turn his hand to business'. This comment has apparently not gone down very well with the Royal Society of Engineers! Bye bye Glenn, back to organising nights out at your local football club.

Eight candidates remain, who goes you decide (no wait, wrong show). Next week they are in Paris, and I'm already looking forward to seeing them stumble with their mispronounced French. Oo la la

Game of Thrones, Sky Atlantic Monday 13 June 2011

Wow, what an ending. It’s been a long time since my jaw has dropped so dramatically at the unexpected climax of a TV programme.

A dry humoured over sexed dwarf, incestuous twins, a rock hard horse dude with great eye make up and a cute beard, and the brilliant Seen Bean (as my Mum likes to call him): drama doesn’t get any better than this. Unlike Spartacus (which was just an excuse to show all the different ways you could make blood splatter in pretty patterns across the screen) and The Tudors (was Henry VIII really as smoulderingly good looking as Jonathan Rhys Meyrs when he was a young man!?), Game of Thrones is intelligent, compelling and completely entertaining. I must admit, there are times when I don't always understand what is going on (there seems to be so many clans, unusual names and locations that we’re always jumping between) but I have my trusty interpreter (my hubby) and the luxury of a Sky box we can pause whenever I get confused! Fantasy drama this good seems very thin on the ground at present, and it is great to see the jump from book to screen hasn’t ruined the depth of the best selling books written by George R.R. Martin.

So, onto tonight's episode, I will try and make it a condensed review as it was pretty spectacular with lots going on, and gasps a plenty from me (including that massive jaw drop at the dying seconds of the programme I mentioned earlier.) Robb (Seen Bean's son) was still leading his huge army towards King’s Landing to rescue his father Ned Stark and his two sisters. Along the way he gained a pug-ugly wife in exchange for safe passage across a bridge (lesson: never let your mum negotiate on your behalf). This lead him to a spectacular battle with tens of thousands of men charging each other over rolling green fields (though obviously budget restraints meant we didn’t get to see said battle! So we just had to imagine that scene, it was probably bloody it's fair to say). Somewhere along the line Robb managed to capture the psychopathic, yet weirdly charming King-killer Jamie Lannister. This was a momentous point in the series as it showed Robb maturing, especially as he elected to save Jamie and use him for bargaining with the enemy, rather than just killing him.

Meanwhile, in horsey land across the sea where the rock hard horse dudes (more formally known as the Dothraki) live, a heavily pregnant Daenerys is riding with their army and her badly wounded husband Khal Drogo. He's pretty much had it and looks rough as a badger’s bottom. Desperate to save his life, she enlists the help of a crazy witch woman. This really peeves the second hardest horse dude, who doesn’t seem to care whether his head man dies or not. He clearly sees Khal Drogo as a failure because he's not strong enough to live (nice friend!). It's soon obvious that it's pretty much every man for himself and that when Drogo dies there will be civil unrest among the horse dudes. Daenerys knows that her life and status as their Khalessi (princess) are over once her husband and protector is dead. In her moment of desperation, she begs the witch to use any magic she can to keep Drogo alive. The witch brings in Drogo's steed and at this stage all viewers knew that something sacrificial  was going to happen and it was not going to be nice. My husband pipes up at this point “They won't show anything happening to the horse, as surely they are not allowed to show animal cruelty on the screen” before he finishes his sentence the crazy witch lady has taken a knife and slit the poor horse’s throat. Cue lots of gushing blood and a banshee like screaming session: the spell is starting. We don't know whether the spell works, but the horrific noises suggest something is happening, and that perhaps the witch is being a lot more proactive than my local GP.

Daenerys is an interesting character, she's gone from ‘little girl lost’ to quite a figure in the show and I think we are only just beginning to see who she is. I imagine she's going to be a little on the twitchy side if Khal dies (the episode seemed to leave this open) but the next stage of her story should be really interesting. At the end of the episode we saw her go into labour, brought on by all the fighting and the Khal Drogo will he/won't he live scenario. She is supposedly carrying some terminator type baby who is going to be the next head horse dude and ‘mount the world’! I think the fragile little khalessi is going to turn into a beautiful dragon at some stage and kick some serious GoT ass.

I feel a whole big paragraph needs to be dedicated to the wonder of Tyrion Lannister. Give the guy his own show, I'd gladly watch! Even better, most recently he has been joined by Bronn, a fearless fighter type who is a bit of a loner, but who seems to have taken the role of Tyrion's right hand man and protector. It's great to see Jerome Flynn (yes he of the middle of the road duo Robson and Jerome who sold a ridiculous amount of records in the 90s (not sure how or why)) doing something actually good as he's been away for a while.. Needless to say, they both survived the attack by 2,000 of Robb's men and lived to tell the tale. The comedy duo live on, hurrah!

To the end then - Ned (Seen Bean) swallowed a whole lot of gruff northern pride and stood in front of the baying crowd declaring Joffrey (the evil boy king with scary blue eyes and all the makings of a dictator) the true heir and King and just for good measure admitting his treason and his plan to overthrow Joffrey from the throne. Of course, we all know Ned only did this to protect his daughters. What followed was some great television, as Joffrey initially suggested that he forgave Ned and that he would simply be banished to collect his pension like a gentle old warrior OAP but then unexpectedly commanded that Ned be executed (by the liberal method of beheading). . I'm sure I say this for the other viewers watching it but, OMG! They can't kill Ned, surely not!? Anyway, the scene which followed was very emotional, it didn’t need masses of blood, we all knew what was going to happen. The sword came up, Ned bent his head, and then we saw Arya, his youngest daughter’s face as she desperately tried to get to him but was held back. The whole scene was played out using her reaction to the atrocity she was witnessing. Before the credits rolled, you could just hear the thousands of Ned fans screaming their disbelief on every portal of social media they could. I imagine there is probably already a 'I hate Joffrey' Facebook page. But more important than this, Ned's death is going to hack a whole lot of Game of Thrones folk off, I predict a riot.

Seen Bean, thanks for the memories. May your son avenge your death and bring that crazy blue eyed child dictator down! I can't wait for next week's finale.

Scott and Bailey, ITV1 Sunday 12 June 2011

At last, as though the drama phoenix has risen from the mediocre flames, a much better episode for our crime fighting chicks. Still though, Suranne Jones' DC Bailey fails to warm the cockles of this viewer's heart. I should, in essence feel sorry for her terrible miscarriage, her bleeding nose and dented pride following a head butt from a troubled yet unsavoury girl. I should feel sympathy for her downgrade into the box room of her partner/best friend/Samaritan/all round Swiss army knife personality Janet Scott, following Bailey's bastard of a married man masquerading as  proper boyfriend changing the locks on the flat (which of course, morally speaking, she blackmailed him for), pause for breath, yet somehow I don't feel much empathy for her. The character seems like her own worst enemy, trying too hard, breaking the rules, being consistently unprofessional, and having default expressions of a teenage girl’s scowl and furrowed brow. She seems to be positioned in stark contrast to the level headed monotone ("You've been had") DC Janet Scott, with their relationship coming across in these early episodes like siblings playing cops and robbers. On more than one occasion Scott (played by Lesley Sharp, who seems to do British drama so well) has given Bailey a lecturing dressing down, so much so that you often forget they have the same rank on their warrant cards.

The series so far has skated precariously between formulaic ITV1 drama and kitchen sink comedy (though the latter unintentionally no doubt). Sunday's episode had all the ingredients to make for a perfect hour’s entertainment, but fell quickly into silliness. During the silly scene, Bailey was trying to keep a suicidal murderer on the phone, while she (said newly labelled murderer) was perched dangerously on the ledge of a multi-story car park threatening to end it all. Bailey, ever the professional and deserving of her DC status, uttered the helpful line "You seen any good films lately?" It was meant to be funny, but it was more cringe worthy, and I couldn't help thinking what script editor let that line, (or any of  the other words which then followed out of her mouth into this scene come to think of it). Samaritans everywhere would shudder to think what would have happened if the woman on the edge of the ledge had had the lasting misfortune to have just seen Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes or The Da Vinci Code. The Bailey default expressions (scowling with that furrowed brow) were switched on throughout this scene of course.

Turning to another major character, DCI Gill Murray, where do I start? She's the boss lady of our two female dicks. Smart, middle class, middle aged and unfortunately a total cop show cliché. Interestingly enough, you may recognise this actress currently grazing our screens in those stupid Direct Line insurance adverts, where she plays a neurotic, toffee nosed RADA reject. She was also rather good in the first series of Ashes to Ashes, where she played Alex Drake's mother in the 1980s. Anyway, enough of Ameilia Bullmore's CV. Gill is friendly but fierce, likes a drink (something from Waitrose on special offer no doubt), but worships the rule book, loves Scott, hates Bailey. I find the character as believable as the mock Yorkshire/Lancastrian-mother accent she accentuates every time something is going wrong on one of the cases, or when Bailey pisses her off. I’d much prefer her to utilise that lovely RP accent she has, as I think it would work so well, with her as the haughty and untouchable posh Southerner, undoubtedly getting on the wicks of those Yorkies and creating a North/South divide. The male officers would undoubtedly mutter (in between drags on their fags) 'mad Southern bitch'.

My favourite 'Gill scene' (a now patented term when reviewing this show) from Sunday night, occurred on her discovering the victim (who we weren't meant to sympathise with anyway following some silly jurors finding him not guilty when he was (quote) 'A murdering bastard') who lay all mashed up and covered in blood underneath a typically dank Mancunian railway bridge. She stood in the middle of the crime scene and chortled under boozy hungover breath (TV police always drink when they lose a case in court) the immortal line 'I've seen one eye pop out before, but never both and at once'. Thus the drama got into bed with the comedy and brought the episode to a close.

Meanwhile, lurking in the background we have this sub story with Janet investigating the cold case of a 6 year old girl murdered years before. There is more to this than meets the eye, and it's a welcome distraction from some of the other plot lines (just how coincidental is it that in the whole of Manchester you are going to come up against your ex-boyfriend barrister in a court of law?!??). I'm looking forward to how this pans out, and if we get Janet donning her triple oversized glasses while she is unearthing the mystery, then all the better.

Scott and Bailey isn't bad by any means (I've seen much worse - cough - Identity) and neither should it be a BAFTA winner, but it is watchable with moments of good traditional drama that ITV1 is so good at. I keep watching because I want Sally Wainwright’s script to get a grip and go for it, I know she can do it, maybe she just had a few bad days at the office for this early part of the series.

I have been a bit bored by all the press' comparisons to Cagney and Lacey, but then again how often do we have a series which concentrates sorely on two female detectives? Ok, there was Rosemary and Thyme (might go in the crap pot with Identity), but they were always more Tena lady than kick ass girl detectives who drink out of a bottle and swear and call men bastards (gasp!). And anyway, Scott and Bailey have far nicer hair than Cagney and Lacey ever did (sorry ladies, I know it was the 80s.)

I'll give it a few more episodes, if only for the wall to wall Yorkshire stereotypes, Janet's massive glasses and Bailey's spoilt child act.