At primary school we used to sing a rude song which had the Dallas theme tune, but right now I can't remember the words...
Anyway, Dallas returns, after I don't know how long, but last time I watched it I had My Little Pony pyjamas from C & A (highly flammable of course) on and my Mum would cover my eyes if there were any 'rudey' bits. We also still had Betamax. Yep, it's back, with a new 2012 coat, a new cast (well they kept the old guys in for familiarity), new horses, and still the same rubbish dialogue and over the top eye brow raisers we associate with this Texan melodrama. Channel 5, those bastions of high culture and cutting edge television, have taken it on, which means for the first time I'm reviewing something from my least watched TV channel.
Cue athletic looking cows and luscious Texan green fields..."I've got a reading John-Ross" says the perfect looking girl to the man dozing with the stetson on his head. Low and behold they've struck oil, wooo yeah. They jump up and cavort excitedly at the gushing black stuff, they have a wet oily snog. "How you gonna tell Bobby? No one's ever been able to drill on South Fork." He looks steely "Trust me" he says. Uh oh, I know this is the start of something big and over the top.
Next the great Bobby Ewing has cancer, but refuses to tell his family following his doctors advice. "I've got family business to attend to before anyone knows I'm dying" he says, getting up and winking at the doctor. And then, bam, opening titles start, yay they have used the old music (just digitally done of course), with the same sliding montage, but unfortunately no cheesy actor shots of them in role, boo.
Jesse Metcalfe is Christopher Ewing (he formally of Desperate Housewives) Bobby's son, and is in some sort of energy business. He is trying to do a deal with two middle aged dudes at a country club and uses some tough business speak "I'm not a virgin, but I ain't a whore either!" Mmm, stirring dialogue, that's one way to not seal the deal.
On the other side of Dallas land we have John-Ross, JR's son. He is blatantly a baddie, the bum fluff musketeer excuse of a moustache/beard gives it away. He's up to something. What a rogue.
The great JR meanwhile is cooped up in some nursing home with depression. Man, he looks old. But he still has those amazing killer eyebrows which curl up at the end. Bobby, his brother (for those unfamiliar with the rich family history) goes to see him. Bobby delivers a heartfelt but mainly naff sounding dialogue to his estranged brother "All that fighting JR, over Ewing oil and South Fork. Those fights changed me in a way I don't like. I worry about Christopher and John-Ross, I want them to have a chance to be a family without all the bitterness and bad blood you and I had. I don't want them to be like us." Gripping stuff, not. I don't think Jimmy McGovern has anything to worry about in the script writing department. Besides JR doesn't listen, he just stares, either that or he's listening to One Direction on his gold encrusted iPod. But actually Bobby, we do want the boys to have bad blood, cause if not, we wouldn't have a series.
There's definitely a lot of unresolved lust tension between John-Ross' girlfriend Elena and Christopher. She is the daughter of South Fork's house maid (Spanish of course) and grew up with the Ewing boys. I bet they all rolled in the hay together with their pale blue denim on when they were teenagers. Christopher's latest squeeze is Rebecca who is soon to be his wife. She seems like a good girl, her parents died in a plane crash and she plays tennis.
The Ewing boys argue over the dinner table (no not the size of it) about oil and new energy, lots of curled lips and frowns (though I can't see many frown lines, must have a big botox budget on Dallas.) Bobby breaks up the argument by dropping his own Bobby-sized bombshell - the time has come to sell South Fork - noooooo. John Ross jumps up and tells him to get in his truck and follow him. No time for sentiment here. He shows him where he has struck oil. Bobby is not impressed. I mean, look at the mess. "This will make us richer than we ever imagined uncle Bobby." Oh John Ross, look at his face, does he look pleased?! It all kicks off. Bobby says John Ross has disrespected his mamma's wishes and respects, that no oil should ever be drilled for on the South Fork land. John Ross tells Christopher that Bobby isn't his father. Oh man, that was rather unsporting. Quick an oily scrap on the floor between the two boys, which looks very 80s. "There is no drilling on my ranch boy" shouts Bobby to mini JR. Think this means war, which will now be the theme for EVERY episode. It has begun.
John Ross doesn't take a telling off very well, and the next day (wow things work fast in Texas) he has filed an injunction against the sale of South Fork, wanting to overturn the terms of his grandmother's will. Bobby aint a man to take things lying down "If John Ross wants to turn South Fork into a battlefield, I will give him the fight of his life!" Go Bobby. Loving this cheese filled dialogue, there are some crackers (pardon the pun.)
Oh no, Christopher is in his lab (trying to look like he is the sort of guy who studies rocks) and has just found out that one of his research projects might have triggered an earthquake - while extracting methane from the ocean floor - gasp. Oh poop he's thinking. It's too much drama, and we aren't even half way through.
More JR now. Both big and small versions. John Ross has a good old rant to his daddy about how rubbish his life is and what an old killjoy his uncle Bobby is. JR meanwhile sits there with his eyes closed, silent. I feel like any minute old JR is going to jump up and break into a musical melody from the shows. Then, he speaks. 39 mins in and 21 years later, JR speaks. "Bobby was always a fool and as stubborn as a mule" (why JR your'e a poet but you don't know it). JR is back. "We've got some catching up to do son" he says, flashing that old mischievous smile, I partly want him to do an evil laugh at this stage and rub his hands together. Shame he does no such thing.
John Ross (still plotting) asks Elena to spy on Christopher. "You and Christopher used to study rocks right?" (it's a good job Geologists are too bright to even tune into this programme.) Elena visits him in his lab, and hands him back a box with an engagement ring in, tears in her eyes. She is a rubbish spy.
Back at South Fork, there is a disturbance (no it's not Patrick Duffy's hot air). Mrs Bobby (she seems that unimportant in this episode I can't even remember her name!) goes to investigate, as any hard as nails Texan woman would. This is Texas remember, so having a gun in your house is like wearing a pair of socks everyday. Behold a cabinet (in the kitchen, probably next to a fridge full of steaks) of every size rifle and shotgun you can imagine, forget shoe cabinets, this lady knows her weapons! She catches the culprit in Bobby's office "I don't miss Mr, not at any range." Oh er, she means business. But anyway, she doesn't shoot him and he smashes through the window to get out (the door was far too practical an exit option obviously.) We all know the burglar bill works for dick dastardly and is trying to steal info, snore, no news there then.
Yay, it's the wedding of Christopher and Rebecca (who is quite a dull character, probably there for skin content only.) Some old characters turn up, with small speaking parts, one of whom was on Dancing on Ice. Can't get more celebrity than that now.
JR junior has now found out that Christopher's alternative gas (tee hee) is unstable. Mwah ha ha, he twiddles his moustache as he revels in this information (stolen of course.) We couldn't get through a whole episode of Dallas without some blackmail - so John Ross (just a thought is his real name Jonathan Ross and is he about to turn chat show host?) does just that, saying he will tell Bobby about the dodgy gas if Christopher doesn't persuade Bobby to not sell South Fork (get that drift?) Lots of squaring up of bronzed chins and very OTT acting for effect, plus lots of very LOUD background music.
At 1 hour 2 mins in we get a SLAP, right in the chops Christopher. A right proper 1980s soap opera slap from Elena. She follows this up by saying she will always love him "but we are two people from two different circumstances." Deep. Turns out they were supposed to be married and she had an email from him saying he couldn't go through with it so she was jilted. Shock horror, it turns out it was Mr nasty-but-handsome-John Ross who sent the email and split the young lovers up, so so he could get his hands on her. The cad. Christopher finds JR junior outside and snarls at him (after some glass smashing for dramatic effect) "I know it was you!"
Anyho, the marriage goes ahead, with a cheesy slow-mo of them all kissing and hugging, with the background music provided by Adele (who else of course - no one better to sing about heartbreak or lost love.) Elena looks on, jealous, but demure.
Bobby goes ahead and does the deal, and sells South Fork to some random glamourous Mexican-looking woman called Marta, who buys land. Although, all is not as it seems...(drum roll) it appears she is also working with the new (and now no longer depressed) old JR (get that) and that the whole deal was a set up. "Bobby may not be stupid, but I'm hell of a lot more smarter" he says to a shocked John Ross. Well, this isn't the end...wait another cotton picking Texas minute...Marta is also working with John Ross, he has grand plans so that "South Fork can be mine and only mine." He's certainly driven, I'll give him that, or maybe more bitter and twisted and Machiavellian. "The fun is just beginning" he says cocking his rather large eye brow and seductively placing his stetson on his head.
Dallas is pretty good fun, and if you watch it with a good sense of irony you will easily pass away a good hour or so of cheesy acting and appalling dialogue. It's not testing TV, but you might find it's so bad that it's good (yes one of those I'm afraid.) Just don't go expecting some great Shakespearian yarn, more likely lots of rippled torsos, bonking, long nails, oil, money and bitchyness, oh and JR senior up to his same old backhanded tricks while flexing his curly eyebrows all in the name of acting.
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