Downton, Sunday 16 September 2012, ITV1

It started with the customary labrador's arse and finished with a glamourous society wedding. Yep, it's back, with it's third series in 2 years (that Fellows guy must be typing all night, every night!) Was it really back in the New Year that old blue eyes Matthew proposed to Mary in the snow? How time flies when you are an aristocrat.

It's 1920, will it be roaring? The family has got through the First World War in record time and now it's time for a new era, but pretty much the same questionable dialogue ("Have you done something jolly with your hair?") and lingering acting. So, it's the build up to Lady Mary and Matthew's wedding, and we have much flirty dialogue between the two, though he should be careful, the last guy she took to bed snuffed it, be careful there me lad.

Lord Grantham meanwhile is still doing his someone-has-just-farted-and-I'm-trying-not-to-sniff-it acting. Still wearing the same starchy suits, still puffing his chest out a lot. The middle sister (whose name I think is Edith) still has all the rubbish story lines, and still appears to be banging on the door of opportunity with that bumbling older guy Sir Anthony (who last series I remember told her it was a no no.) Maybe they are waiting until series 22 (I predict there will be that many) for her to get a story, by which point she will be a bitter and twisted old gal who just sits in a red velvet chair and tries to be as good with the one liners as granny was.

Some things never change at Downton, formuliac is the word of choice:

- The little maid Daisy (who would be great in Coronation Street) still moans about her role in the kitchen (shut up and do that wiping up)

- Thomas is still a brillo-creamed pantomine baddie, but now he gets to choose what pants the Lord wears every day

- Maggie Smith as Granny Downton (or the Dowager Countess if you wish to be posh about it) still gets the funniest and most observant lines "When I'm with her I'm reminded of the virtues of the English."

- The other servant woman, Miss O'Brien, the female version of Thomas, is still resentful of almost everything in life and has still failed to register a smile in this, or any previous episodes

- Bates looking moody and incarcerated. Yawn.  

The most interesting storyline for me has been the return of Sybil and her new husband (the lovely) Tom Branson (or Branon Pickle the former chauffeur.) He's a very staunch Irish Republican, much to the awkwardness of the stiff family, he's all down with the monarchy and all that, which caused some interesting scenes over the dinner table. There was real tension at some points, and a few of them downstairs were a bit peeved that he was mingling upstairs. Daddy Downton wasn't best welcoming on the subject of what Tom should call him now "He can call me Lord Grantham." Oh Hugh, I bet he calls you a few other names behind your back! I'm really intrigued to see how this story progresses, and I think Tom is going to provide some good political entertainment, way better than charades after dinner. Sybil I think is pregnant, although it was only mentioned one or two times, anyway she looks bloody tired, so she must be pregnant (they didn't hang around did they!) She is certainly going to have some testing times between loyalties.

This series we get the much anticipated introduction of Cora's mother, Martha (played by Shirley Maclaine.) Her and granny don't get on, funny that. She is what the English would refer to as a typical American. I predict some comedy lines between the two old ladies. Funny to watch, but not a great deal in the way of storyline, but by golly a lot of wrinkly skin.

It was most amusing (already getting into Downton sounding talk) reading the official Downton Twitter page, during the programme (all for research you must understand.) They were just essentially quoting lines from the show as they happened. Eh? Now, what I think would make much better Twitter following would be some live Tweets from the characters themselves (they had iPads in 1920 right?) For example: @cousinmatthew Bloody collar won't fit, too many game pies during last night's banquet. Bugger! or @TomBranson This suit is too fecking hot. Lordy keeps on giving me evils. Or @Granny Downton Maclaine will never be as good as me. I'm a Dame you know, so back of bitch. Tea anyone?

One part of the plot which annoyed me, was the silly 'oh no Lord Grantham has lost all of Cora's money by investing it in some dodgy Canadian rail road business' and in the same breath,oh hang on a tick, what a coincidence, cousin Matthew has just inherited a stack of cash. Woop. This reminded me of last series with the storyline of 'oh no, Matthew can't walk' oh, stop a second there, 'oh wait, he can walk, he's practically running to the gin cabinet. Hurrah old chap!'

As usual, the dialogue goes a bit modern sometimes, as Sir Anthony displayed when he asked Edith about the wedding "How's it going?" Really, would he have said that, in 1920?!? Anyway, some would argue that it's just artistic licence, and too much jolly this and spiffing that would get boring, why not inject some street slang too? Just a thought Julian. This opening episode did it's usual Downton-esque thing of speeding through one storyline to the other, in a race to get to the end of the episode having tried to fit in as much as possible.

Downton is familiar and safe, and easy viewing, perfect for Sunday night, and it's great going back in time watching how sumptuous society was (well, a small part of society then, let's face it!) I am, however, itching to see some more in the way of testing story lines (but as a heads up my next thinking is that Mary and Matthew will have problem conceiving and will get one of the random maids to carry a baby for them.) But failing this, I'm sure the Anglo-American rivalry between the two batty old birds will keep me amused for now. One thing though, watching Downton just makes me wish that French and Saunders were still in their parody business, they would do a fine job of sending up Downton, Dawn as the Lord...I can just see it now.....

 

Doctor Who, Saturday 8 September 2012, BBC1

Let me start this post by saying I’m not a die-hard fan of Dr Who. But, in view of trying to review a mix of shows here on Square Eyes, I thought I’d give it a go this week. Variety is the spice of a TV life and all that. 

It’s been many moons since I last sat down and watched an episode of Doctor Who. I may have dabbled here and then a few times into David Tenant’s quiffy-haired version, but prior to this it had been Sylvester McCoy, the 7th Doctor, back in the late 80s. He was the Doctor of my childhood viewing, with his little pork pie hat and big excited eyes. He had an assistant called Sophie something who wore a big puffa jacket (before Bianca Jackson stole the look) and the acting was pretty rubbish, oh and the sets moved. It did just enough though to scare the little pants off of me, and I do remember enjoying watching it on a weekly basis. 

The Doctor Who of today is a much more slick affair, with a much needed investment in both it’s special effects and script department. With a string of high profile actors at the helm it’s a far cry from the stick-on lizard masks of the previous generation. Will I still like it with all this extra oomph? Better get on and review it...

Egypt 1334 BC. The Doctor has just been having some adventures in Egypt and is trying (unsuccessfully) to escape from the over-amorous clutches of the famous Egyptian diva herself - Queen Nefertiti. Oh well, might as well bring her along he thinks, I like picking up random historical figures, adds to the drama. 

The Doctor speaks incredibly fast and randomly (though fans will tell me this is part of his crazy set up) and most of the time I’m not sure what the heck is going on. However, if an 8 year old kid can understand him every Saturday evening, then surely I can, right? He picks up the Ponds (I will refer to them as the Ponds even though the end credits tell me only Amy is legally a Pond), well he crashes in on them while they are trying to work out how to fix a light fitting, along with Rory’s gormless Dad. Suburbia is so often disturbed by a time lord when fixing electrics. Anyway, all 3 of them come along for the ride, and on the way he makes his posse complete by picking up a posh English explorer from 1902. Wham, he has a gang! All they need now is an annoying dog and they can board the Mystery Machine. 

They land on this space ship, and surprise surprise not all is as it seems on the lonely vessel. Something is lurking, no it’s not Sigourney Weaver coming out of retirement dressed as an alien. “I know, Dinosaurs on a spaceship!!” the Doctor says so excitedly that his bow tie might just pop off. Roll pimped up titles, someone’s had fun recreating these and adding lots of lightening flashes. 

Anyway, bling titles over - the dinosaurs are not best pleased and are after the gang. The Doctor, Rory and Rory’s Dad, Brian, are unexpectedly teleported to some windswept beach (probably Pembrokeshire then.) They stare a lot at a random computer embedded into the rocks, and deduce that the spaceship is being controlled by the waves (not sure whether the watery variety or the radio variety.) Oh no, Pterodactyls appear in the sky. Run! They actually look pretty realistic (not that I lived during the roaming of dinosaurs, but I’ve seen the pictures) well done BBC special effects dept. They escape into a cave and are then confronted by two comedy robots, voiced by the two guys from Peep Show. “We’re very cross with you” they say “you are going straight to the naughty step!” Super Nanny is that you encased in metal with a comedy English accent? 

The world’s tallest woman, Amy Pond, and the other two historical dudes meanwhile find some data records (they are sooo good at finding all these computers among all the scary reptiles.) They reveal that whoever ran the ship left in a major hurry (or were they wiped out? ooo it’s a mystery), turns out they were some strange sounding species that Pond can say, but whose name I can neither spell or say. They had lizardy heads and talked in a posh accent (as all Doctor Who baddies do.) “We’re on an ark” Amy shouts “why are the dinosaurs still on board? and why is the ship still coming back to earth?” she asks. I don’t know either Amy, perhaps a new installation at The Natural History Museum?? 

The Doctor is taken by the funny robots to an old creepy guy called Soloman. He listens to classical music (why do baddies always have a thing for Mozart?) Soloman is all wires and tubes, and a breathless wheeze, he expects the Doctor to make him better (chewed legs following a dinosaur run in.) Come on man, it’s obvious this guy is the bad dude. Turns out he got rid of the lizard people as he wanted the dinosaur cargo for himself, what a nasty man. He needs help to get to where he wants to go (not a very easy to read sentence is it!?) and expects the Doc to assist. 

Blah blah blah (I’m getting a bit bored of the story now) they all mount a dozey Triceratops and run like the wind, while being chased by the comedy duo robots, oh and there are missiles heading for the space ship from earth . “So what’s the plan?” asks the eternally gormless Rory. “The missiles are locked onto us we can’t out run them we have to save the dinosaurs and get Nefertiti back from Soloman isn’t it obvious!” Gasp, yes no punctuation here as this is how the Doctor speaks. Just a passing thought, but there are times that Matt Smith sounds a bit like Bill Nighy. O o o, Bill Nighy for the next Doctor, someone for the silver generation?! 

Back to a storyline which seems to be running through the series, but which I really don’t get,not being an avid viewer. The whole Doctor-Rory-Amy three-some...what is going on here? It’s obvious that she lurves him, or am I just an amateur viewer and missing something deep rooted? Answers on a postcard please. Amy tells the doc it’s longer in between the adventures they have together, and accuses him of weaning them off of him. Tension. He denies this of course, and they have a moment, before there is some big explosion or something. 

Rory and his Dad end up being the heroes of the day, steering the space ship (do you steer a space ship?) “Rory we’re flying a spaceship” says Brian excitedly. The baddie meanwhile gets blown up by the missiles. Yay. They all live happily ever after, and Brian even gets to have a ride in the Tardis and go on some adventures. 

Doctor Who is a funny one. I think it tries a bit too hard sometimes, especially with some of the dialogue which tends to try and be a bit too clever and innuendo ridden, Amy Pond mentioning “a lesson in gender politics” sits a bit strangely. There is no doubt that it is adventuresome and exciting for a certain audience, and it’s very stylish to look at (obviously a lot of hard work goes into it’s looks.) But, I can’t help thinking (opps sounding a bit like Carrie Bradshaw there) that it spends too much time focusing on the main characters (same old same every week) and not actually spending enough time on making a really good and original story which is watchable in every episode. Maybe I just picked a bad episode to review! Often feels like they are also in a bit of a storyline rush to get from start to finish as quick as possible. I’m all for either an old dude or a woman to be the next Doctor, mix it up in sci-fi land, who knows, either that or Boris Johnson as the next Doctor, he certainly ticks all the crazy boxes. 

Dallas, Channel 5, Wednesday 5 September 2012

At primary school we used to sing a rude song which had the Dallas theme tune, but right now I can't remember the words...

Anyway, Dallas returns, after I don't know how long, but last time I watched it I had My Little Pony pyjamas from C & A (highly flammable of course) on and my Mum would cover my eyes if there were any 'rudey' bits. We also still had Betamax. Yep, it's back, with a new 2012 coat, a new cast (well they kept the old guys in for familiarity), new horses, and still the same rubbish dialogue and over the top eye brow raisers we associate with this Texan melodrama. Channel 5, those bastions of high culture and cutting edge television, have taken it on, which means for the first time I'm reviewing something from my least watched TV channel. 

Cue athletic looking cows and luscious Texan green fields..."I've got a reading John-Ross" says the perfect looking girl to the man dozing with the stetson on his head. Low and behold they've struck oil, wooo yeah. They jump up and cavort excitedly at the gushing black stuff, they have a wet oily snog. "How you gonna tell Bobby? No one's ever been able to drill on South Fork." He looks steely "Trust me" he says. Uh oh, I know this is the start of something big and over the top.

Next the great Bobby Ewing has cancer, but refuses to tell his family following his doctors advice. "I've got family business to attend to before anyone knows I'm dying" he says, getting up and winking at the doctor. And then, bam, opening titles start, yay they have used the old music (just digitally done of course), with the same sliding montage, but unfortunately no cheesy actor shots of them in role, boo. 

Jesse Metcalfe is Christopher Ewing (he formally of Desperate Housewives) Bobby's son, and is in some sort of energy business. He is trying to do a deal with two middle aged dudes at a country club and uses some tough business speak "I'm not a virgin, but I ain't a whore either!" Mmm, stirring dialogue, that's one way to not seal the deal. 

On the other side of Dallas land we have John-Ross, JR's son. He is blatantly a baddie, the bum fluff musketeer excuse of a moustache/beard gives it away. He's up to something. What a rogue. 

The great JR meanwhile is cooped up in some nursing home with depression. Man, he looks old. But he still has those amazing killer eyebrows which curl up at the end. Bobby, his brother (for those unfamiliar with the rich family history) goes to see him. Bobby delivers a heartfelt but mainly naff sounding dialogue to his estranged brother "All that fighting JR, over Ewing oil and South Fork. Those fights changed me in a way I don't like. I worry about Christopher and John-Ross, I want them to have a chance to be a family without all the bitterness and bad blood you and I had. I don't want them to be like us." Gripping stuff, not. I don't think Jimmy McGovern has anything to worry about in the script writing department. Besides JR doesn't listen, he just stares, either that or he's listening to One Direction on his gold encrusted iPod. But actually Bobby, we do want the boys to have bad blood, cause if not, we wouldn't have a series. 

There's definitely a lot of unresolved lust tension between John-Ross' girlfriend Elena and Christopher. She is the daughter of South Fork's house maid (Spanish of course) and grew up with the Ewing boys. I bet they all rolled in the hay together with their pale blue denim on when they were teenagers. Christopher's latest squeeze is Rebecca who is soon to be his wife. She seems like a good girl, her parents died in a plane crash and she plays tennis. 

The Ewing boys argue over the dinner table (no not the size of it) about oil and new energy, lots of curled lips and frowns (though I can't see many frown lines, must have a big botox budget on Dallas.) Bobby breaks up the argument by dropping his own Bobby-sized bombshell - the time has come to sell South Fork - noooooo. John Ross jumps up and tells him to get in his truck and follow him. No time for sentiment here. He shows him where he has struck oil. Bobby is not impressed. I mean, look at the mess. "This will make us richer than we ever imagined uncle Bobby." Oh John Ross, look at his face, does he look pleased?! It all kicks off. Bobby says John Ross has disrespected his mamma's wishes and respects, that no oil should ever be drilled for on the South Fork land. John Ross tells Christopher that Bobby isn't his father. Oh man, that was rather unsporting. Quick an oily scrap on the floor between the two boys, which looks very 80s. "There is no drilling on my ranch boy" shouts Bobby to mini JR. Think this means war, which will now be the theme for EVERY episode. It has begun. 

John Ross doesn't take a telling off very well, and the next day (wow things work fast in Texas) he has filed an injunction against the sale of South Fork, wanting to overturn the terms of his grandmother's will. Bobby aint a man to take things lying down "If John Ross wants to turn South Fork into a battlefield, I will give him the fight of his life!" Go Bobby. Loving this cheese filled dialogue, there are some crackers (pardon the pun.) 

Oh no, Christopher is in his lab (trying to look like he is the sort of guy who studies rocks) and has just found out that one of his research projects might have triggered an earthquake - while extracting methane from the ocean floor - gasp. Oh poop he's thinking. It's too much drama, and we aren't even half way through. 

More JR now. Both big and small versions. John Ross has a good old rant to his daddy about how rubbish his life is and what an old killjoy his uncle Bobby is. JR meanwhile sits there with his eyes closed, silent. I feel like any minute old JR is going to jump up and break into a musical melody from the shows. Then, he speaks. 39 mins in and 21 years later, JR speaks. "Bobby was always a fool and as stubborn as a mule" (why JR your'e a poet but you don't know it). JR is back. "We've got some catching up to do son" he says, flashing that old mischievous smile, I partly want him to do an evil laugh at this stage and rub his hands together. Shame he does no such thing. 

John Ross (still plotting) asks Elena to spy on Christopher. "You and Christopher used to study rocks right?" (it's a good job Geologists are too bright to even tune into this programme.) Elena visits him in his lab, and hands him back a box with an engagement ring in, tears in her eyes. She is a rubbish spy. 

Back at South Fork, there is a disturbance (no it's not Patrick Duffy's hot air). Mrs Bobby (she seems that unimportant in this episode I can't even remember her name!) goes to investigate, as any hard as nails Texan woman would. This is Texas remember, so having a gun in your house is like wearing a pair of socks everyday. Behold a cabinet (in the kitchen, probably next to a fridge full of steaks) of every size rifle and shotgun you can imagine, forget shoe cabinets, this lady knows her weapons! She catches the culprit in Bobby's office "I don't miss Mr, not at any range." Oh er, she means business. But anyway, she doesn't shoot him and he smashes through the window to get out (the door was far too practical an exit option obviously.) We all know the burglar bill works for dick dastardly and is trying to steal info, snore, no news there then.

Yay, it's the wedding of Christopher and Rebecca (who is quite a dull character, probably there for skin content only.) Some old characters turn up, with small speaking parts, one of whom was on Dancing on Ice. Can't get more celebrity than that now. 

JR junior has now found out that Christopher's alternative gas (tee hee) is unstable. Mwah ha ha, he twiddles his moustache as he revels in this information (stolen of course.) We couldn't get through a whole episode of Dallas without some blackmail - so John Ross (just a thought is his real name Jonathan Ross and is he about to turn chat show host?) does just that, saying he will tell Bobby about the dodgy gas if Christopher doesn't persuade Bobby to not sell South Fork (get that drift?) Lots of squaring up of bronzed chins and very OTT acting for effect, plus lots of very LOUD background music. 

At 1 hour 2 mins in we get a SLAP, right in the chops Christopher. A right proper 1980s soap opera slap from Elena. She follows this up by saying she will always love him "but we are two people from two different circumstances." Deep. Turns out they were supposed to be married and she had an email from him saying he couldn't go through with it so she was jilted. Shock horror, it turns out it was Mr nasty-but-handsome-John Ross who sent the email and split the young lovers up, so so he could get his hands on her. The cad. Christopher finds JR junior outside and snarls at him (after some glass smashing for dramatic effect) "I know it was you!" 

Anyho, the marriage goes ahead, with a cheesy slow-mo of them all kissing and hugging, with the background music provided by Adele (who else of course - no one better to sing about heartbreak or lost love.) Elena looks on, jealous, but demure. 

Bobby goes ahead and does the deal, and sells South Fork to some random glamourous Mexican-looking woman called Marta, who buys land. Although, all is not as it seems...(drum roll) it appears she is also working with the new (and now no longer depressed) old JR (get that) and that the whole deal was a set up. "Bobby may not be stupid, but I'm hell of a lot more smarter" he says to a shocked John Ross. Well, this isn't the end...wait another cotton picking Texas minute...Marta is also working with John Ross, he has grand plans so that "South Fork can be mine and only mine." He's certainly driven, I'll give him that, or maybe more bitter and twisted and Machiavellian. "The fun is just beginning" he says cocking his rather large eye brow and seductively placing his stetson on his head. 

Dallas is pretty good fun, and if you watch it with a good sense of irony you will easily pass away a good hour or so of cheesy acting and appalling dialogue. It's not testing TV, but you might find it's so bad that it's good (yes one of those I'm afraid.) Just don't go expecting some great Shakespearian yarn, more likely lots of rippled torsos, bonking, long nails, oil, money and bitchyness, oh and JR senior up to his same old backhanded tricks while flexing his curly eyebrows all in the name of acting.