The FBB (I’ll abbreviate cause I’m lazy) starts with a shot of Tom and Henry Herbert, our bakery boys, outside their food empire (a butchers and a bakers, the grocer and clerks was probably down the road) arms folded, looking a little menacing and ready to man-bake (a bit like a softer more posher version of the Mitchell brothers, but with more hair and less frown.) And so the first of many voice overs start (and we haven’t even run the opening titles yet.) “I’m Tom and I’m an artisan baker” (interestingly, on the first episode of this series he would start with ‘I’m Tom and I’m a master baker” strangely this was dropped after the first instalment. Mmmm, I wonder why. Ahem.) Then his little brother drops in and says “I’m Henry and I’m an award winning chef.” I don’t know why, but when they do these little introductions it reminds me of those Janet and John books from the 1950s. So introductions over, oh no wait, here’s some more introductory musings. “We’re not just neighbours, we’re brothers…this is baking for boys!” Who wrote this script!!?
This week’s culinary half hour is on budget food, which is hard to imagine when you can probably expect to pay a fair whack for the foodie products in their shops. Anyway, onto the cooking. They make some bite-sized burgers (or sliders as we must now call them) and Tom tells us we just have to make our own baps. They wizz through the method a bit too quickly and helpfully tell us it needs 60 minutes. Just to illustrate what 60 minutes looks like, they scribble the number 60 on a blackboard and add a frantic underline and exclamation mark. This blackboard scene seems to feature quite heavily. I suspect they are showing off that they have a blackboard in their kitchen. Big whoop.
We quickly flick back to Henry (who bears a striking resemblance to previous Masterchef winner Tomisina Myers. He could be her culinary long lost brother, seriously) whose sliders are coming along well. Mmmm, beef. Oh, back to big brother Tom again (with strategic dustings of flour on his black GAP t-shirt) and his baps are still proving (by this time most normal people would have paid for a pack of 6 buns from Tesco and been on their way home.) Anyway, the sliders look great and the boys suggest two options for toppings: tomato and lettuce or beetroot, watercress and a big dollop of horseradish. Mmmm, hard comparison, where is the mention of Tommy K please?! They both look thoroughly pleased with their final product as they sink their jaws into their meaty doughy masterpieces (but then again they always look pleased with themselves.)
Pie Wars. Oh dear, an unfortunate weekly part of the show. Let the cringe begin. Tom says “When we’re not scoffing or baking, we have a healthy appetite for brotherly competition, so bring on the pie wars!” The boys basically go head to head to see who can make the best pie. It’s all very public school playground and my conker is bigger than your conker sort of thing. But first they discuss this week’s pie audience who they will be making the pies for. Cue shot of our two posh bakery boys in their perfect pinnies sat on the arms of a beat up old sofa (I always wondered what happened to Lovejoy’s old cast off’s) in a distressed sort of shabby chic loft apartment, all bare brick walls and steel (I never knew the Cotswolds could be so urban.) The challenge this week is to make a pie for students which is delicious, cheap to make and with a mash potato topping. Henry helps them both out by making a start on the mash topping. His tip is to add an egg yolk in at the end while you are mashing ‘bam, mash with attitude’ grins Henry to the camera (we have lots of masculine exclamations when they cook, to remind us that this is baking for boys.) Henry also says ‘luverly’ a lot (so much so I want to create a drinking game in its honour.)
Then all of a sudden we’re onto toast (arghh just stick to the pie war thing, do it, then move on!!!) Henry walks to camera wafting some posh bit of bread (definitely not a slice of Asda savers bread), they seem to like to walk around a lot in this programme, almost as if to show off their expansive butchers and bakery empire. “There’s nothing quite like beans on toast” says one of them (I forget which one, sometimes their voices merge into one.) And so Henry starts his super pimped up beans on toast (Mr Heinz close your ears now.) He does however, try to make us lazy can obsessed bean lovers out there feel a bit better by saying “I like a ready made can of beans as much as the next person, but this DIY version is cheap, quick and to die for!” It all looks super nice and much more appealing than Tom’s smoky mackerel pate. Yuck! Me no like fish on toast! The best bit about the mackerel thing is when Tom says “Fish and lemon go together like Beyonce and Jay-Z!” Tom, look I know you’re trying to be down with the kids with this reference, but really comparing Mr and Mrs Beyonce with a fruit and a bit of smoked fish: No.
As is now customary after each bit of cooking up by the boys, there is the obligatory shot of them sat on their table (come on, these are men, they don’t use knife and forks and tables and chairs. Grrrrrr!) hungrily biting their prize products like two ravenous lions, and licking their lips with that we-are-so-great-at-cooking face.
Back to pie wars. Though not without some more classic voice over stuff “While my little brother Henry woos the ladies in his butchers shop, I make my pie for hard working students.” Tom goes forth and makes a fish pie with prawns, watercress and a smoked kipper (I thought this was supposed to be a cheap pie Tom!?) Anyway, they go and see some stereotypical students who are going to test out their pies. The boys look like fishes out of water as they enter the student digs and complain of a “funky smell.” Not surprisingly Henry’s shepherds pie wins. Tom looks dejected. Loser.
Next is toad in the hole. Which frankly looks yummy. However, I’m distracted by the overly choreographed nature of their cooking. From Tom to Henry then back again, it’s like The Chuckle Brothers’ ‘to me to you.’ They have little bits of banter which is heavily scripted. ‘Bosh!’ they both say in unison and hi-fiving as they walk away from their artisan bread oven to let the toad in the hole cook. If they were more naked and there was a volleyball involved, it would be like that scene from Top Gun (you all know the one.)
Although the boys’ food looks amazing, and I’m sure tastes pretty damm good, the programme is too heavily scripted and edited. There is far too much cheese (and I’m not talking Stilton) and the cring-ometer is cranked up a little too much, especially during the pie wars. Watching the end credits I noticed the programme has an art director, a food stylist and a senior food stylist. Do the sausages have their own wardrobe too?! You can’t help but feel that the programme has lost some of it’s cookery appeal and is more about the novelty of the boys’ cheery personalities than following their recipes. Give me an hour of Jamie any day.
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