ITV1’s latest reality show pitches overweight contestants against each other, in a bid to become the biggest weight loser of the series. It’s all high drama, over the top music, voice overs, twinkly piano music montages and shots of the contestants pouring their hearts out and saying how life changing this is for them, as they struggle to reduce their waist lines. The first thing that strikes me about this programme is that it is sponsored by Subway and their low fat range. Yes, you read correctly Subway. Not the most obvious of sponsorship partnerships, as daily visits to the awful smelling sandwich chain and the continual devouring of those 77 foot long sandwiches could clearly be one cause of weight problems (sorry now for insulting any Subway fans out there.)
Ooo, wait, hostess with the mostest Davina is doing her voice over summary, now customary at the start of every show: “13 contestants began a weight loss journey to change their lives forever…” Cue cutting shots of each couple (they come to the show as couples) starring out at the camera as if they are Braveheart about to lead his men into battle with the English. In a way it also reminds me of the opening titles of Little Britain as well, or even the X-Factor contestant shots at the beginning (but without the annoying voice over man “Rachel Ad-a-dayyy-jeee”) Davina of course is super slim and super made up in her spray on white dress, all smooth skin and Lo-real hair (can’t be bothered to check the spelling) and in comparison (rather cruelly) to the other contestants looks like an advert for her work out DVD (in all good stores now.)
They dress the contestants in bright coloured t-shirts and cycling shorts (like an old advert for C & A) and they are split into colour coded teams. 7 contestants remain and we are in week 6 (can you feel the tension!?) This week they are being sent to “the land of temptation” America, or Florida to be more precise. There are 3 trainers hoping to whip the contestants into shape, one of them looks like Golumn from Lord of the Rings (that would be scary enough to get me to lose a few bags of sugar) and has piercing blue eyes (but in a scary “you will run 32 miles this morning” way.) Let’s cut to one of the contestants describing her reaction to going to Florida: “I’m hungry, I want some food, and I ain’t talking about cous cous” moans Jesssie (well, Jesse I do have to agree with you there, cous cous doesn’t fill me up either!) Jessie’s comment is interspersed with glorious shots of burger flipping, hot dogs and French fries, and lots of greasy fatty things (man, this is making me hungry, this show is so counter productive!)
The white team’s trainer is Charlotte Ord, who is all tanned and perfect in her white strappy vest top and invisible hips, she probably eats air for breakfast. We are only 6 minutes into the show (yes I know I write a lot) and we’ve been reminded that Florida is the “land of excess” at least 4 times (enough already! I thought Florida was the land of Mickey Mouse.) Among the greasy burger montages we have a few too many clips of the contestants walking along the sunny beach looking ponderous with the wind whipping at their hair (oh look, isn’t that the Hoff running along behind them!?) Trainer no 3 (who reminds me of a taller John Regis) says “They have a job to do, they have weight to lose.” Thanks Mr Trainer for stating the blooming obvious.
The trainers get to work and make the contestants work out on the beach. Golumn is loving it. The contestants look very uncomfortable and I’m worried at any point one of them is going to keel over in the sand.
After the ad break the teams get taken to an American Football field where there are 100 footballs (even though they look like rugby balls) on the field all positioned for a challenge. We have Gladiator music playing at full belt as the teams walk out (looking serious of course.) The white team is the only team with 3 contestants, the others have 2 in them. So, everyone tries to get Sarah white team out. I don’t get the challenge, it all seems pointless, but it involves running (or mainly walking) back and forth and collecting as many balls as possible. It’s sweaty work. The black team win and get a 2 point weight advantage at this week’s weigh in.
Next challenge involves a traditional American dinner, with amazing looking burgers. All part of the “American Food Dilemma” say white vest top wearing woman trainer (who comes up with these stupid names!?) One contestant says “The bacon double cheeseburger looked great, like a heart attack, but nice” (never thought I’d hear the words ‘heart attack’ and ‘nice’ in the same sentence.) There is a line of fatty looking foods on the counter and the challenge is to guess how many calories are in each food by sticking in a numbered flag. It’s like food maths basically. Wait-a-minute….they have apple pie topped with cheese?! (710 calories if you are interested.) What the….?? Only in Florida ‘”the land of excess” eh! Not sure whether Mr Kipling would stand for that. Peanut Butter shake…mmm (wow 1,100 calories) when can I go to this diner!
It’s a tie-break between the blue and white team. The tie-breaker is to guess how many calories are in onion rings. Ooo smell the oniony tension. Blue team win with their answer, the whites guess 300 calories (even I knew it was higher than that white team!) Bitchy Kevin from the blue team is very bitchy and competitive and you can imagine he probably memorises the calories on everything, he seems like a calorie geek.
The most exciting bit of the show now – the weigh in (sounds like boxing doesn’t it, but I’m not sure how well these guys would fair in the ring.) The contestants are lead out and look like a bunch of dead men walking (all they need is shackles around their ankles and orange jump suits.) Davina, meanwhile, is waiting in the Florida sunshine looking all perfect and slim and straight from a Lo-real advert. Bitchy blue team Kevin wants the white team to record a poor weight loss (I say chap, that’s not very sporting) I get the feeling he doesn’t like the whites. Big shock, Tamara hasn’t lost a single pound, glum faces everywhere. Black team Oirish Gerard now, who has lost enough pounds to make him just over 15 stone and seems really thrilled: “I haven’t been 15 stone since I was a little boy” (worrying that he weighed that much when he was younger L) Blue team Kevin up next (who I secretly want to have not lost very much cause he’s so opinionated) who only loses 4 pounds, John Regis lookey likey instructor is not impressed: “It’s not good enough for a man Kevin’s size.” Welshy Sarah is next on the scales, but oh no let’s cut to the adverts, ruining the weighing moment for another 3 minutes.
And we are back…I can’t help noticing Davina is wearing a totally different colour dress now. Mmm, continuity person anyone?! Sarah’s weight loss is 2 pounds, not good when her loss will decide what colour team is up for elimination this week. Oh dear. “Not a great week for any of you” Davina says helpfully. More Davina now in her ever changing colour dress: “The white team you are all up for elimination, one of you will be leaving the biggest loser” (bet she really wanted to say “one of you will be leaving the Big Brother house!” but had to calmly stop herself.) Kevin, as smug as ever is pleased he’s “cut the white team down to size” (all sounds a bit butchery to me.)
So, elimation time. Davina in big hula hoop earrings and summery dress, does her best to direct the tension. Only the other white team members can vote who they want to give the boot. Amy Mac (what a great name, sounds like a song from the 60s) says “this was one of the hardest decisions” (don’t they all say that, every reality voting related show, yawn.) Anyway, she shocks everyone by voting for Tamara (who frankly always seemed ‘not bovvered’). However, there is then REAL(ity) DRAMA as everyone is thoroughly peed off she has not chosen to get rid of nemesis Sarah. Mr bitchy Kevin matter of factly states: “Amy broke the pact by eliminating Tamara” (the others had made a pact to get rid of Sarah, not very sportingly I say boys and girls.) Tamara doesn’t leave empty handed, oh no. She gets a consolation prize of a year’s free membership to her local gym (for all we know she might not have a local gym) and (get this) a year’s free subscription to the Biggest Loser online club (wooo!), plug that ITV1 product Davina! Plug plug! Cher-ching. She looks gutted, but I bet she was at least a little relieved to get away from Davina’s gang of psycho trainers and the contestants who think that their weight loss will be improved by being bitchy!
No comments:
Post a Comment