Homeland, Sunday 7 October 2012, Channel4

 Homeland returned to our screens this week, with all the cleverly crafted tension and suspense from the first series. Quick recap: Carrie is now living a seamlessly simple life in suburbia as a teacher, following her expulsion from the CIA, and some rather nasty electro-convulsive therapy. Brody meanwhile is now in office serving his first term as Congressman (even though he almost blew up a lot of people at the end of the last series, though little did they know) so unfortunately this will mean less uniform and more West-Wing styling. I could spend all day recapping what went on before, but I think it’s safe to say, that although what went on before was important, this series will delve even deeper into the complications of secrets and lies surrounding homeland security. Or more simply put: who is the real threat or baddie here?!

Clare Danes is brilliant as bi-polar Carrie Mathison. She brings a very real performance, which can be uncomfortable to watch at times, but adds to the overall high drama of the show. She’s not your usual good guy, she has lots of flaws, which makes her watchable. You know she hates the CIA for what they did to her, but she will always be an agent, no matter what. It’s strange to think years ago she was the moody teenager Angela in My So Called Life. Brit actor Damian Lewis is so all-American as Nicholas Brody, that you sometimes forget he’s from across the pond, he’s also another excellent leading cast member, and teeters between over confidence and vulnerability, as he tries to continue this life as diligent husband and father and then his life as potential terrorist, for the controlling Abu Nazir. 

Meanwhile, in the Middle East all is not well. Angry protesters outside the US Embassy burn American and Israeli flags. Turns out a new asset called Fatima, has important information on a potential attack on America, and will only talk to Carrie about it. Cue, some fairly unemotional unapologetic requests for her to visit Beruit, by David Estes (the director of the Counterterroist Centre at the CIA AKA her former boss.) He tells her it will only be a few days away (hardly a glamorous working holiday David), and that they need her. Well you shouldn't have got rid of her in the first place! They conduct this highly secret CIA discussion on Carrie’s Dad’s porch, not the safest of places to do so. Carrie goes (does some amazingly quick packing for a girl) and gets a makeover (disguise of course) turning all brunette and brown eyed. 

Soon she’s being pursued through the busy streets of Beruit and swapping headscarfs to outwit her pursuers, I preferred the second headscarf too Carrie, good choice. The lovely Saul (Carrie’s long-time mentor in the CIA) who is really like a nice Grandad trying to tell her not to get in trouble, is back working with Carrie, he who originally gave her the call to pre-warn her they needed her. Of course we have the whole, who is the CIA mole thing going on as well, which although wasn't touched upon in this opening episode, will I’m sure be a big part of the new series. I just hope it isn’t Saul, he’s kind of like Father Christmas but with less whiteness in the beard area, and if it is him it will be like finding out the tooth fairy was just my parents after all. 

Away from the highly stressful Middle East, Brody is all suited and booted and living this new political lifestyle. The kids have been moved to a posh school, and the wife (who reminds me a lot of Victoria Beckham) is still quite fake and ambitious (though I don’t think she would want us to think this.) Dana, Brody’s perpetually moody teenage daughter, gets a little miffed during a political assembly, and blurts out that her Dad is a Muslim (er AWKWARD!) This in turn creates a big argument back at home between the Mum and daughter, where Brody is forced to admit he has converted. Man, the wife is not happy. She’s quite ‘pissed‘ as Americans would put it. 

There are some other new characters this series, including a reporter, with a really bad English accent (why do they always make the English baddies?!) who is in fact linked to Abu Nazir, and who is already telling Brody to steal some top secret info from David Estes‘ safe. She’s already moving in on Estes, asking him out for dinner, DON”T DO IT DAVID! It’s already clear that Abu Nazir wants Brody to exact revenge on America for the death of his son, and that his agenda from the last series hasn't changed. Maybe it’s Brody’s agenda which might change (especially following his failed suicide bomb attack in last series’ thrilling finale), who knows, but it’s obvious that Brody will be asking lots of questions, and that he might soon figure out that he’s being used as a pawn in a lethal terrorist's game. But let’s hope he doesn't work this out too quickly, as it will be a very rubbish and short second series.

Carrie and Brody don’t cross paths in this episode, but you can already feel it’s building up to that explosive reunion. Will they join sides, or will they both continue to have a strong suspicion of each other? It’s either going to be jumping into bed together or gouging each other’s eyes out, I predict somewhere in-between those two states and undoubtedly complex. This first episode crawled along in a slower pace than previous episodes, but I sense that this is just the start of some fairly big story lines and plot wows along the way. It’s certainly a clever way to get you re-hooked again and wishing for the next episode. I’m looking forward to it.      

Downton, Sunday 16 September 2012, ITV1

It started with the customary labrador's arse and finished with a glamourous society wedding. Yep, it's back, with it's third series in 2 years (that Fellows guy must be typing all night, every night!) Was it really back in the New Year that old blue eyes Matthew proposed to Mary in the snow? How time flies when you are an aristocrat.

It's 1920, will it be roaring? The family has got through the First World War in record time and now it's time for a new era, but pretty much the same questionable dialogue ("Have you done something jolly with your hair?") and lingering acting. So, it's the build up to Lady Mary and Matthew's wedding, and we have much flirty dialogue between the two, though he should be careful, the last guy she took to bed snuffed it, be careful there me lad.

Lord Grantham meanwhile is still doing his someone-has-just-farted-and-I'm-trying-not-to-sniff-it acting. Still wearing the same starchy suits, still puffing his chest out a lot. The middle sister (whose name I think is Edith) still has all the rubbish story lines, and still appears to be banging on the door of opportunity with that bumbling older guy Sir Anthony (who last series I remember told her it was a no no.) Maybe they are waiting until series 22 (I predict there will be that many) for her to get a story, by which point she will be a bitter and twisted old gal who just sits in a red velvet chair and tries to be as good with the one liners as granny was.

Some things never change at Downton, formuliac is the word of choice:

- The little maid Daisy (who would be great in Coronation Street) still moans about her role in the kitchen (shut up and do that wiping up)

- Thomas is still a brillo-creamed pantomine baddie, but now he gets to choose what pants the Lord wears every day

- Maggie Smith as Granny Downton (or the Dowager Countess if you wish to be posh about it) still gets the funniest and most observant lines "When I'm with her I'm reminded of the virtues of the English."

- The other servant woman, Miss O'Brien, the female version of Thomas, is still resentful of almost everything in life and has still failed to register a smile in this, or any previous episodes

- Bates looking moody and incarcerated. Yawn.  

The most interesting storyline for me has been the return of Sybil and her new husband (the lovely) Tom Branson (or Branon Pickle the former chauffeur.) He's a very staunch Irish Republican, much to the awkwardness of the stiff family, he's all down with the monarchy and all that, which caused some interesting scenes over the dinner table. There was real tension at some points, and a few of them downstairs were a bit peeved that he was mingling upstairs. Daddy Downton wasn't best welcoming on the subject of what Tom should call him now "He can call me Lord Grantham." Oh Hugh, I bet he calls you a few other names behind your back! I'm really intrigued to see how this story progresses, and I think Tom is going to provide some good political entertainment, way better than charades after dinner. Sybil I think is pregnant, although it was only mentioned one or two times, anyway she looks bloody tired, so she must be pregnant (they didn't hang around did they!) She is certainly going to have some testing times between loyalties.

This series we get the much anticipated introduction of Cora's mother, Martha (played by Shirley Maclaine.) Her and granny don't get on, funny that. She is what the English would refer to as a typical American. I predict some comedy lines between the two old ladies. Funny to watch, but not a great deal in the way of storyline, but by golly a lot of wrinkly skin.

It was most amusing (already getting into Downton sounding talk) reading the official Downton Twitter page, during the programme (all for research you must understand.) They were just essentially quoting lines from the show as they happened. Eh? Now, what I think would make much better Twitter following would be some live Tweets from the characters themselves (they had iPads in 1920 right?) For example: @cousinmatthew Bloody collar won't fit, too many game pies during last night's banquet. Bugger! or @TomBranson This suit is too fecking hot. Lordy keeps on giving me evils. Or @Granny Downton Maclaine will never be as good as me. I'm a Dame you know, so back of bitch. Tea anyone?

One part of the plot which annoyed me, was the silly 'oh no Lord Grantham has lost all of Cora's money by investing it in some dodgy Canadian rail road business' and in the same breath,oh hang on a tick, what a coincidence, cousin Matthew has just inherited a stack of cash. Woop. This reminded me of last series with the storyline of 'oh no, Matthew can't walk' oh, stop a second there, 'oh wait, he can walk, he's practically running to the gin cabinet. Hurrah old chap!'

As usual, the dialogue goes a bit modern sometimes, as Sir Anthony displayed when he asked Edith about the wedding "How's it going?" Really, would he have said that, in 1920?!? Anyway, some would argue that it's just artistic licence, and too much jolly this and spiffing that would get boring, why not inject some street slang too? Just a thought Julian. This opening episode did it's usual Downton-esque thing of speeding through one storyline to the other, in a race to get to the end of the episode having tried to fit in as much as possible.

Downton is familiar and safe, and easy viewing, perfect for Sunday night, and it's great going back in time watching how sumptuous society was (well, a small part of society then, let's face it!) I am, however, itching to see some more in the way of testing story lines (but as a heads up my next thinking is that Mary and Matthew will have problem conceiving and will get one of the random maids to carry a baby for them.) But failing this, I'm sure the Anglo-American rivalry between the two batty old birds will keep me amused for now. One thing though, watching Downton just makes me wish that French and Saunders were still in their parody business, they would do a fine job of sending up Downton, Dawn as the Lord...I can just see it now.....

 

Doctor Who, Saturday 8 September 2012, BBC1

Let me start this post by saying I’m not a die-hard fan of Dr Who. But, in view of trying to review a mix of shows here on Square Eyes, I thought I’d give it a go this week. Variety is the spice of a TV life and all that. 

It’s been many moons since I last sat down and watched an episode of Doctor Who. I may have dabbled here and then a few times into David Tenant’s quiffy-haired version, but prior to this it had been Sylvester McCoy, the 7th Doctor, back in the late 80s. He was the Doctor of my childhood viewing, with his little pork pie hat and big excited eyes. He had an assistant called Sophie something who wore a big puffa jacket (before Bianca Jackson stole the look) and the acting was pretty rubbish, oh and the sets moved. It did just enough though to scare the little pants off of me, and I do remember enjoying watching it on a weekly basis. 

The Doctor Who of today is a much more slick affair, with a much needed investment in both it’s special effects and script department. With a string of high profile actors at the helm it’s a far cry from the stick-on lizard masks of the previous generation. Will I still like it with all this extra oomph? Better get on and review it...

Egypt 1334 BC. The Doctor has just been having some adventures in Egypt and is trying (unsuccessfully) to escape from the over-amorous clutches of the famous Egyptian diva herself - Queen Nefertiti. Oh well, might as well bring her along he thinks, I like picking up random historical figures, adds to the drama. 

The Doctor speaks incredibly fast and randomly (though fans will tell me this is part of his crazy set up) and most of the time I’m not sure what the heck is going on. However, if an 8 year old kid can understand him every Saturday evening, then surely I can, right? He picks up the Ponds (I will refer to them as the Ponds even though the end credits tell me only Amy is legally a Pond), well he crashes in on them while they are trying to work out how to fix a light fitting, along with Rory’s gormless Dad. Suburbia is so often disturbed by a time lord when fixing electrics. Anyway, all 3 of them come along for the ride, and on the way he makes his posse complete by picking up a posh English explorer from 1902. Wham, he has a gang! All they need now is an annoying dog and they can board the Mystery Machine. 

They land on this space ship, and surprise surprise not all is as it seems on the lonely vessel. Something is lurking, no it’s not Sigourney Weaver coming out of retirement dressed as an alien. “I know, Dinosaurs on a spaceship!!” the Doctor says so excitedly that his bow tie might just pop off. Roll pimped up titles, someone’s had fun recreating these and adding lots of lightening flashes. 

Anyway, bling titles over - the dinosaurs are not best pleased and are after the gang. The Doctor, Rory and Rory’s Dad, Brian, are unexpectedly teleported to some windswept beach (probably Pembrokeshire then.) They stare a lot at a random computer embedded into the rocks, and deduce that the spaceship is being controlled by the waves (not sure whether the watery variety or the radio variety.) Oh no, Pterodactyls appear in the sky. Run! They actually look pretty realistic (not that I lived during the roaming of dinosaurs, but I’ve seen the pictures) well done BBC special effects dept. They escape into a cave and are then confronted by two comedy robots, voiced by the two guys from Peep Show. “We’re very cross with you” they say “you are going straight to the naughty step!” Super Nanny is that you encased in metal with a comedy English accent? 

The world’s tallest woman, Amy Pond, and the other two historical dudes meanwhile find some data records (they are sooo good at finding all these computers among all the scary reptiles.) They reveal that whoever ran the ship left in a major hurry (or were they wiped out? ooo it’s a mystery), turns out they were some strange sounding species that Pond can say, but whose name I can neither spell or say. They had lizardy heads and talked in a posh accent (as all Doctor Who baddies do.) “We’re on an ark” Amy shouts “why are the dinosaurs still on board? and why is the ship still coming back to earth?” she asks. I don’t know either Amy, perhaps a new installation at The Natural History Museum?? 

The Doctor is taken by the funny robots to an old creepy guy called Soloman. He listens to classical music (why do baddies always have a thing for Mozart?) Soloman is all wires and tubes, and a breathless wheeze, he expects the Doctor to make him better (chewed legs following a dinosaur run in.) Come on man, it’s obvious this guy is the bad dude. Turns out he got rid of the lizard people as he wanted the dinosaur cargo for himself, what a nasty man. He needs help to get to where he wants to go (not a very easy to read sentence is it!?) and expects the Doc to assist. 

Blah blah blah (I’m getting a bit bored of the story now) they all mount a dozey Triceratops and run like the wind, while being chased by the comedy duo robots, oh and there are missiles heading for the space ship from earth . “So what’s the plan?” asks the eternally gormless Rory. “The missiles are locked onto us we can’t out run them we have to save the dinosaurs and get Nefertiti back from Soloman isn’t it obvious!” Gasp, yes no punctuation here as this is how the Doctor speaks. Just a passing thought, but there are times that Matt Smith sounds a bit like Bill Nighy. O o o, Bill Nighy for the next Doctor, someone for the silver generation?! 

Back to a storyline which seems to be running through the series, but which I really don’t get,not being an avid viewer. The whole Doctor-Rory-Amy three-some...what is going on here? It’s obvious that she lurves him, or am I just an amateur viewer and missing something deep rooted? Answers on a postcard please. Amy tells the doc it’s longer in between the adventures they have together, and accuses him of weaning them off of him. Tension. He denies this of course, and they have a moment, before there is some big explosion or something. 

Rory and his Dad end up being the heroes of the day, steering the space ship (do you steer a space ship?) “Rory we’re flying a spaceship” says Brian excitedly. The baddie meanwhile gets blown up by the missiles. Yay. They all live happily ever after, and Brian even gets to have a ride in the Tardis and go on some adventures. 

Doctor Who is a funny one. I think it tries a bit too hard sometimes, especially with some of the dialogue which tends to try and be a bit too clever and innuendo ridden, Amy Pond mentioning “a lesson in gender politics” sits a bit strangely. There is no doubt that it is adventuresome and exciting for a certain audience, and it’s very stylish to look at (obviously a lot of hard work goes into it’s looks.) But, I can’t help thinking (opps sounding a bit like Carrie Bradshaw there) that it spends too much time focusing on the main characters (same old same every week) and not actually spending enough time on making a really good and original story which is watchable in every episode. Maybe I just picked a bad episode to review! Often feels like they are also in a bit of a storyline rush to get from start to finish as quick as possible. I’m all for either an old dude or a woman to be the next Doctor, mix it up in sci-fi land, who knows, either that or Boris Johnson as the next Doctor, he certainly ticks all the crazy boxes. 

Dallas, Channel 5, Wednesday 5 September 2012

At primary school we used to sing a rude song which had the Dallas theme tune, but right now I can't remember the words...

Anyway, Dallas returns, after I don't know how long, but last time I watched it I had My Little Pony pyjamas from C & A (highly flammable of course) on and my Mum would cover my eyes if there were any 'rudey' bits. We also still had Betamax. Yep, it's back, with a new 2012 coat, a new cast (well they kept the old guys in for familiarity), new horses, and still the same rubbish dialogue and over the top eye brow raisers we associate with this Texan melodrama. Channel 5, those bastions of high culture and cutting edge television, have taken it on, which means for the first time I'm reviewing something from my least watched TV channel. 

Cue athletic looking cows and luscious Texan green fields..."I've got a reading John-Ross" says the perfect looking girl to the man dozing with the stetson on his head. Low and behold they've struck oil, wooo yeah. They jump up and cavort excitedly at the gushing black stuff, they have a wet oily snog. "How you gonna tell Bobby? No one's ever been able to drill on South Fork." He looks steely "Trust me" he says. Uh oh, I know this is the start of something big and over the top.

Next the great Bobby Ewing has cancer, but refuses to tell his family following his doctors advice. "I've got family business to attend to before anyone knows I'm dying" he says, getting up and winking at the doctor. And then, bam, opening titles start, yay they have used the old music (just digitally done of course), with the same sliding montage, but unfortunately no cheesy actor shots of them in role, boo. 

Jesse Metcalfe is Christopher Ewing (he formally of Desperate Housewives) Bobby's son, and is in some sort of energy business. He is trying to do a deal with two middle aged dudes at a country club and uses some tough business speak "I'm not a virgin, but I ain't a whore either!" Mmm, stirring dialogue, that's one way to not seal the deal. 

On the other side of Dallas land we have John-Ross, JR's son. He is blatantly a baddie, the bum fluff musketeer excuse of a moustache/beard gives it away. He's up to something. What a rogue. 

The great JR meanwhile is cooped up in some nursing home with depression. Man, he looks old. But he still has those amazing killer eyebrows which curl up at the end. Bobby, his brother (for those unfamiliar with the rich family history) goes to see him. Bobby delivers a heartfelt but mainly naff sounding dialogue to his estranged brother "All that fighting JR, over Ewing oil and South Fork. Those fights changed me in a way I don't like. I worry about Christopher and John-Ross, I want them to have a chance to be a family without all the bitterness and bad blood you and I had. I don't want them to be like us." Gripping stuff, not. I don't think Jimmy McGovern has anything to worry about in the script writing department. Besides JR doesn't listen, he just stares, either that or he's listening to One Direction on his gold encrusted iPod. But actually Bobby, we do want the boys to have bad blood, cause if not, we wouldn't have a series. 

There's definitely a lot of unresolved lust tension between John-Ross' girlfriend Elena and Christopher. She is the daughter of South Fork's house maid (Spanish of course) and grew up with the Ewing boys. I bet they all rolled in the hay together with their pale blue denim on when they were teenagers. Christopher's latest squeeze is Rebecca who is soon to be his wife. She seems like a good girl, her parents died in a plane crash and she plays tennis. 

The Ewing boys argue over the dinner table (no not the size of it) about oil and new energy, lots of curled lips and frowns (though I can't see many frown lines, must have a big botox budget on Dallas.) Bobby breaks up the argument by dropping his own Bobby-sized bombshell - the time has come to sell South Fork - noooooo. John Ross jumps up and tells him to get in his truck and follow him. No time for sentiment here. He shows him where he has struck oil. Bobby is not impressed. I mean, look at the mess. "This will make us richer than we ever imagined uncle Bobby." Oh John Ross, look at his face, does he look pleased?! It all kicks off. Bobby says John Ross has disrespected his mamma's wishes and respects, that no oil should ever be drilled for on the South Fork land. John Ross tells Christopher that Bobby isn't his father. Oh man, that was rather unsporting. Quick an oily scrap on the floor between the two boys, which looks very 80s. "There is no drilling on my ranch boy" shouts Bobby to mini JR. Think this means war, which will now be the theme for EVERY episode. It has begun. 

John Ross doesn't take a telling off very well, and the next day (wow things work fast in Texas) he has filed an injunction against the sale of South Fork, wanting to overturn the terms of his grandmother's will. Bobby aint a man to take things lying down "If John Ross wants to turn South Fork into a battlefield, I will give him the fight of his life!" Go Bobby. Loving this cheese filled dialogue, there are some crackers (pardon the pun.) 

Oh no, Christopher is in his lab (trying to look like he is the sort of guy who studies rocks) and has just found out that one of his research projects might have triggered an earthquake - while extracting methane from the ocean floor - gasp. Oh poop he's thinking. It's too much drama, and we aren't even half way through. 

More JR now. Both big and small versions. John Ross has a good old rant to his daddy about how rubbish his life is and what an old killjoy his uncle Bobby is. JR meanwhile sits there with his eyes closed, silent. I feel like any minute old JR is going to jump up and break into a musical melody from the shows. Then, he speaks. 39 mins in and 21 years later, JR speaks. "Bobby was always a fool and as stubborn as a mule" (why JR your'e a poet but you don't know it). JR is back. "We've got some catching up to do son" he says, flashing that old mischievous smile, I partly want him to do an evil laugh at this stage and rub his hands together. Shame he does no such thing. 

John Ross (still plotting) asks Elena to spy on Christopher. "You and Christopher used to study rocks right?" (it's a good job Geologists are too bright to even tune into this programme.) Elena visits him in his lab, and hands him back a box with an engagement ring in, tears in her eyes. She is a rubbish spy. 

Back at South Fork, there is a disturbance (no it's not Patrick Duffy's hot air). Mrs Bobby (she seems that unimportant in this episode I can't even remember her name!) goes to investigate, as any hard as nails Texan woman would. This is Texas remember, so having a gun in your house is like wearing a pair of socks everyday. Behold a cabinet (in the kitchen, probably next to a fridge full of steaks) of every size rifle and shotgun you can imagine, forget shoe cabinets, this lady knows her weapons! She catches the culprit in Bobby's office "I don't miss Mr, not at any range." Oh er, she means business. But anyway, she doesn't shoot him and he smashes through the window to get out (the door was far too practical an exit option obviously.) We all know the burglar bill works for dick dastardly and is trying to steal info, snore, no news there then.

Yay, it's the wedding of Christopher and Rebecca (who is quite a dull character, probably there for skin content only.) Some old characters turn up, with small speaking parts, one of whom was on Dancing on Ice. Can't get more celebrity than that now. 

JR junior has now found out that Christopher's alternative gas (tee hee) is unstable. Mwah ha ha, he twiddles his moustache as he revels in this information (stolen of course.) We couldn't get through a whole episode of Dallas without some blackmail - so John Ross (just a thought is his real name Jonathan Ross and is he about to turn chat show host?) does just that, saying he will tell Bobby about the dodgy gas if Christopher doesn't persuade Bobby to not sell South Fork (get that drift?) Lots of squaring up of bronzed chins and very OTT acting for effect, plus lots of very LOUD background music. 

At 1 hour 2 mins in we get a SLAP, right in the chops Christopher. A right proper 1980s soap opera slap from Elena. She follows this up by saying she will always love him "but we are two people from two different circumstances." Deep. Turns out they were supposed to be married and she had an email from him saying he couldn't go through with it so she was jilted. Shock horror, it turns out it was Mr nasty-but-handsome-John Ross who sent the email and split the young lovers up, so so he could get his hands on her. The cad. Christopher finds JR junior outside and snarls at him (after some glass smashing for dramatic effect) "I know it was you!" 

Anyho, the marriage goes ahead, with a cheesy slow-mo of them all kissing and hugging, with the background music provided by Adele (who else of course - no one better to sing about heartbreak or lost love.) Elena looks on, jealous, but demure. 

Bobby goes ahead and does the deal, and sells South Fork to some random glamourous Mexican-looking woman called Marta, who buys land. Although, all is not as it seems...(drum roll) it appears she is also working with the new (and now no longer depressed) old JR (get that) and that the whole deal was a set up. "Bobby may not be stupid, but I'm hell of a lot more smarter" he says to a shocked John Ross. Well, this isn't the end...wait another cotton picking Texas minute...Marta is also working with John Ross, he has grand plans so that "South Fork can be mine and only mine." He's certainly driven, I'll give him that, or maybe more bitter and twisted and Machiavellian. "The fun is just beginning" he says cocking his rather large eye brow and seductively placing his stetson on his head. 

Dallas is pretty good fun, and if you watch it with a good sense of irony you will easily pass away a good hour or so of cheesy acting and appalling dialogue. It's not testing TV, but you might find it's so bad that it's good (yes one of those I'm afraid.) Just don't go expecting some great Shakespearian yarn, more likely lots of rippled torsos, bonking, long nails, oil, money and bitchyness, oh and JR senior up to his same old backhanded tricks while flexing his curly eyebrows all in the name of acting.  

Simply Italian, Channel4 Monday 13 August 2012

"I'm Michaela...my family's originally from Italy, and although now we live in South Wales we still cook and eat like Italians. Now I'm going to teach you how to cook just like an Italian." Thanks for the intro Michaela. Now get on with the cooking. Here we go with yet another aesthetically pleasing cookery show (where everything always goes right and no one every slops their perfect dish on the floor) with a perfect looking host all smokey-eyed make up and bright white teeth. Some have compared Michaela Chiappa with Nigella, and I must admit there are moments in the show where she does look like she is enjoying her food as much as the original domestic goddess, although albeit the naughty fridge scene that Nigella always manages to do so well in her slinky dressing gown. The little Welsh wonder in the kitchen soon sets about rustling up some yummy pasta which puts Tesco Value pasta to shame. She is so bubbly and smiley that she makes my face hurt, but man she cooks some good pasta! 

It's soon clear that SHE EATS A LOT OF CHEESE and also tucks into her food like someone who has watched way too much Nigella Lawson TV. Why she isn't much fatter I don't know. One dish she cooks includes 3 (yup 3 I said) different types of cheese (my cholesterol levels already rising just watching.) She talks often about how much she likes cheese, almost like it is an old friend, she's the sort of person who would nibble at the hard bit of cheese we all have hiding in our fridges. Oh, and she's having a joint fairytale wedding in Italy with her other perfect sister (of course they are, and it definitely won't be anything like Bride wars.) I wonder at what point they decided to have a joint wedding? Maybe when they were 7 and playing with their My Little Pony Gymnasium and eating some chunks of Parmesan?! 

Michaela makes an amazing looking yum-tastic Gnocchi tricolore with creamy nutty sauce. "I can't get over people paying money for them" she says in disbelief that people actually buy Gnocchi in the supermarket. Yes normal folk do, we don't all have your skills. But she has this way of making it all seem so easy, that I feel strong enough to get out my potato ricer (oh wait I don't have one) and make some potato-ey pillows with creamy sauce too. Now, where's my smokey eye make up and teeth whitening toothpaste, just need to work on the Welshy accent. 

Michaela has a perfect kitchen (what else did you expect) with just the right amount of designer crockery and vintage plates. She gets her band of sisters (I think there are about 15 of them) to help out as well, all playing up to the Italian family stereotype (I think this is the first time since Bella in Fireman Sam that I've seen a mix of Welsh and Italian on our TV screens.) "If your doughs too moist, add a sprinkle of flour" chirps Michaela helpfully, as her sister (lets call her Michaela no 2) empties half a jar of flour onto the table, mmmm sprinkle?! I think she was just trying to out perform her sister by ruining her food with too much flour. Another thing that she does a lot of is pepper (sorry pun intended) her speech with Italian prouniciation every time she talks about food (so often). Sometimes I feel like I'm suddenly transported into one of those Channel5 adverts for learn Italian with Rosetta Stone. 

Simply Italian is a great show for salivating over, and is a nice waste of 30 mins, and although I know my fresh pasta attempt would mainly end in tears and dough-filled hair, she has got a great knack of making Italian cooking look easy. Mmmm gnocchi. 

The 2012 Olympics, BBC1, BBC Three, BBC-everything.com

I’m reviewing the Olympics coverage, as basically there is not a whole else on telly at the mo for me to criticise or praise or pull apart! I must admit before all this sporting glory saturated our screens, I was a bit skeptical about the whole Olympic mass hysteria, which to be fair we have been reminded about for at least the last SEVEN YEARS, not helped of course by the sheer amount of Olympic tatt gracing every shelf in every shop in Britain (Olympic bow tie anyone?) But nearly two weeks in, I’m happy to confess that I’ve been drawn in good and proper. 

The BBC have really pulled out all the stops this time. I mean, Eastenders has been shoved to BBC2 for starters, when has that happened in its 25+ year East-end history?!? I’m sure Peggy Mitchell would have had none of that toot. Even BBC Three has got in on the action. You can just imagine the head of the BBC telling the controller of BBC Three “sorry mate, Snog, Marry or Avoid is going to have to be moved off the schedules while we make way for a lot of sweaty men and women exerting themselves” The coverage is really wall to wall, and I find myself flicking from BBC1 to BBC1 HD (much better) and then back to BBC Three like a sport freak. I’m even more sad, cause I have a BBC Olympics app on my phone which is just BRILLIANT! I get to see and hear the latest glories and not so glorious moments and see what the team are up to. Although I do find myself getting quite impatient when they don’t update the app as quickly as I expect (see, I told you I had been sucked in.) Also, one of my only criticisims of the beeb, is that they could do with adding some more schedules with what’s coming up, especially as I’m easily confused by the amount of cycling races and heats there were, and most of the time I’m fickle and just want to see the medal races. 

One of my favourite moments was when Clare Balding interviewed Bert le Clos, whose son Chad had just beaten the human fish (Michael Phelps) in the 200m butterfly to get gold. His father was animated, gesticulating wildly and just kept on saying “Un-be-lievable, look at my beautiful boy, he’s so handsome!” in an amazingly loud and gravelly South African accent. I think he also managed to sneak a naughty word in as well and then said “oh, is this live?” He’s a legend, doesn't matter about his son’s gold, I could watch this guy on You Tube again and again. Get him presenting something boring like cricket, that would soon spruce the commentary up. 

The BBC has a real mix of presenters this time round, some good, and then others who just sound quite dim (sorry Mark Cavendish I’m talking about you in the Velodrome.) Anyway, they certainly have brought out of the sporting presenter cupboard a whole host of names, including the enthusiastic guy who used to present Blue Peter (who secretly wanted to don his lycra & join Beth Tweedle on the mat) and former Aussie gold medal swimmer Ian Thorpe (who starts every sentence with ‘Look...’ and seems to be wearing Armani’s entire Spring/Summer range.) There was also a very animated sailing presenter who was a bit over amorous with Ben Ainsley following his gold medal win in the sailing, who practically looked like he wanted to jump in the boat with him and do a victory dance (which would have been both impractical and very dangerous given the size of the boat, or dingy or whatever watery folk call it.) 

Most sports (especially all the horsey stuff) I don’t understand the rules of (apart from Tennis) but that hasn't taken away from my enjoyment. It has been a great Olympics and the BBC has done a spiffing job, almost wiping over the fiasco of the Jubilee cringe a minute commentary I’m sure they would rather forget. Plus it’s great to see so many gutsy performances from all of those competing, and wow Team GB are doing brilliantly. Anyway I saw Andy Murray actually SMILE for the first time ever as well.  I just need Tom Daley to out-dive the Chinese now and that will be the golden cherry on the Olympic cupcake. Oh, and I admit I have bought the odd small item of Olympic memorabilia, but stopped myself at the Olympic tea cosy. I’m not that sportingly sad.  

Final thought: Just how many Olympic events do Wills, Kate and Harry (playing gooseberry) get to go to?! They are everywhere, I mean everywhere! 

Prisoners Wives, Tuesday 6 March 2012, BBC1

 The excellent Prisoners Wives series finale was a great end to an entertaining, but initially slow burning, six part series. Although the title suggests something along the lines of the trashy Footballers Wives but behind bars, this is not the case. For one thing, we don’t have characters like Tanya Turner with her twitchy eyes and nail extensions. This series is much more of a realistic look at life on either side of the bars, and follows the lives of four very different women struggling to cope with her significant other half serving time.

Tonight’s episode had it all: drug money collecting from Robin Hood airport in Nottingham (now you can’t get more glamorous than that); vicar kissing; heart breaking court room scenes and finally, and perhaps most dramatically, giving birth in a toilet cubicle while being chased by a gun wielding guy hell bent on revenge. Phew. This is not Larkrise to Candleford.

Without a doubt, the show’s success is down to the female leads. So many good characters, so many good performances. Harriet (who is played by the actress who was the long suffering Mrs Brittas in the Brittas Empire – for those of you who remember it!) is a dithering, fragile and awkward Mum, whose son is serving time in prison for possession of a gun. Unfortunately it was she who shopped him in, so the relationship isn’t great. You feel for her in every episode and her attempts to connect with her son are touching. Her son (who in earlier episodes had a hair cut like Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons) is a ticking timebomb who has been beaten up, smashed up his cell and who has now converted to Islam. This episode Harriet finally does something for herself and kisses the very nice prison chaplain (as you do). I say kiss, she more lunges on him and sticks her lips to his without asking. It all turns out ok though, as he asks her out for dinner (Harriet is definitely in line for a bit of happy time.) He’s much nicer than Mr Brittas ever was anyway. On top of this, she chills out a bit for once, whilst smoking a spliff with the young good looking and eternally nice next door neighbour, who could be Barbie’s Ken. 

The best performance of the series though is Gemma, the doe eyed pregnant young wife, whose seemingly perfect cute husband (him from Robin Hood) is on remand for murdering an ex-business associate (something to do with illegal trafficking and dodgy DVDs.) Emma Rigby whose only previous acting credits include a long stint in Hollyoaks (in which her main role was probably to look pretty wearing a bikini in the student bar) is excellent as the naïve Gemma whose world is turned upside down. By the last episode she is running (although waddling fast given the fact that she is in labour) away from a mad gunman (her husband’s business partner who she identified for the Police) who is trying to kill her. She is strong to the very end, giving birth to a son in a ladies toilet cubicle (no epidural or warm floaty pool for her) while her would be murderer stands outside pointing the gun at her. For such a pretty face, she can do a whole range of emotions, from sad and desperate to angry and screaming. Very believable. Very un-Hollyoaks. 

 Franny is the gangster’s moll trophy wife, glamorous and confident. Her sinister hubby Paul (who is played by the nasty guy who was going to marry Lady Mary in Downton Abbey) is over protective and has given her and their two pretentious teenage children an opulent lifestyle of big houses, private schooling and posh cars from illegal drug money. In earlier episodes this nice lifestyle came crashing down around her hair extensions as the baliffs came and took everything. She was left to go crawling back to her Dad and his council house to seek refuge. The lure of money is never far away from her though (even though her Dad protests she is putting herself and the children in danger) as Paul persuades her to pick up dirty money from the airport (cue shifty looks all round). Someone must have been watching though because her Dad’s house is later ransacked and he is beaten up in the process. Suddenly those expensive lunches and Prada handbags don’t seem as appealing.

Lou is probably my least favourite character, but she is still watchable in a kind of Bianca Jackson way (she could be her long lost sibling). She does some great scowls throughout the series and has got a bit of a potty mouth, especially when dealing with her son’s prim teachers. In this episode she is cruelly sent down for 6 monthsfor drug dealing just days after her partner walked free after serving his time. She has a really cute son called Mason who unfortunately gets mixed up in his Mum’s desperate dealings as she tries to deal with being a single Mum living on a drug riddled estate. 

I really enjoyed Prisoners Wives and definitely feel it has much more to give, there are certainly many more layers to explore with the female characters and much more drama to come to warrant a second series. Plus I’d like Harriet to have her own stint on Daybreak, giving advice on dealing with dodgy sons!

Upstairs Downstairs, Sunday 19 February 2012, BBC1

 It’s September 1938 and a return to 165 Eaton Place in London’s Belgravia, home of Lord and Lady Holland (a very stiff upper lip pairing) and a bunch of servants, yes, them wot lives downstairs. Britain is on the brink of war and preparing for the worst.

Lady Agnes Holland has just had her baby and is recovering in what looks like a very posh maternity ward (no squeaky trollies or 6am pain-killer wake-ups for her!) Of course she looks very serene and prim (not that I’m bitter or anything), and not at all like someone who has just had a botched c-section. She decides there is far too much going on out there to stay in hospital, so discharges herself. On arriving home, her recently deceased mother-in-law’s half-sister (get all that?) Dr Blanche Mottershead (played by Alex ‘ER/Dr Who’ Kingston) comes rushing to her and says “My dear, you look absolutely frightful!” Charming welcome, well you can always count on your family to tell it like it is!

Lord Hallam Holland (say his name aloud and loads of times quite fast and it’s very funny) is meanwhile pacing around the programme looking like a very stressed chap. He’s something big and important to do with the Foreign Office and is part responsible (with Prime Minister Nevil Chamberlin) for preventing Mr Hitler from starting “an all out ideological war.” I don’t envy his job, as I imagine Hitler wasn’t the easiest guy to negotiate peace with. Lord Hallam comes across as a bit emotionally retarded and prim (which of course they were in those days) but I just want to loosen the top button on his starchy shirt and tell him to “chill Winston!” He frowns a lot as well with his uni-brow distracting me a bit too often. His hair is very smart though. When all is not going well with his negotiations he has a house meeting with his staff and family “from tonight this house prepares for war!” Stirring stuff. 

 I’ve spent too long deciphering them upstairs, so a bit about the folk below. Mr Pritchard the head butler is very camp and very bossy. It’s as if he thinks he is running Buckingham Palace. He looks like he is sucking a bumblebee most of the time and rolls his eyes a lot, a few decades later he would have been great alongside Mrs Slocombe and co in Are You Being Served. The servant cast isn’t as big or plentiful as Downton, but just enough so that the Hollands don’t ever have to lift a finger or open a door for themselves.

Mr Amanjit, a sikh, was formally the man-servant of the late matriarch Lady Holland, and is obviously lost at not having his late mistress around. On placing her ashes on the mantle piece, he is interrupted by the smoking Dr Blanche Mottershead who asks “Were you ever lovers?” I say old girl, that’s awful private and quite an introductory question seeing as the two of you have never met! He seems mighty cheesed off by this, and the rest of their scenes together consist of them trying to outstare each other. My money is on Alex Kingston given all her hospital and space monster fighting experience.

The cook is typically motherly and opinionated and she’s not best pleased when Dr Blanche (who is now getting up everyone’s nose) gives her a list of healthy hippy foods Lady Agnes should be eating post-birth. “Lady Agnes doesn’t need vitamins, she needs liver!” A new edition this series is Beryl, a young nursing assistant who is just earning enough money so she can one day train somewhere posh in London doing hair and nails (she already looks pretty enough to fit that role.)  I think she will have a few more jobs to do other than boiling smelly nappies, including a bit of a romance with chauffer Sparso. Sparso (sounds like a Kirk Douglas film) is a bit of a looker and a ladies man (having recently had an illicit affair with Lady Percy – more about her later.) He reminds me of Hugo Speer in The Full Monty, he’s got quite a square jaw, though I bet he is good at driving the Holland’s to the shops and back. 

 As part of their war efforts, everyone in the house is fitted with gas masks. Lady Agnes asks what provision there are for newborns. Pritchard (ever the brown noser) brings out a black “gas proof pram” which looks like something from The Addams Family, and even has its own chimney. Creepy. John (the young footman, token good-but-not-very-bright-lad) decides to check how safe the pram is for a baby, and uses Solomon (the late Lady Holland’s creepy looking monkey) as his lab rat. He places the monkey in said pram inside the garage then turns the car engine on and floods the place with fumes. You can guess the outcome. “It’s heart has arrested John, get the brandy” shouts Pritchard as he tries to give the furry thing CPR (it’s like Animal Hospital, but without Rolf Harris interrupting.) No good though. Solomon the monkey gets killed off (quite glad, sorry monkey lovers everywhere) but he was only marginally less annoying then the inclusion of Ja Ja Binks in Star Wars: Episode 1 The Phantom Menace. The house is disturbed that night by the Police turning up to investigate the monkey’s death. A floppy jowled moustached Police Sergeant immediately suspects that the monkey has been gassed, judging by the colour of it’s gums which are pink like cherryade. Thus comes my favourite line of the episode “I’m not familiar with cherryade Sergeant!” says an irritated Lord Hallam rather sternly in his fetching silk dressing gown. I love the way he says the word cherryade like it’s some foreign object from a far away land.

Mr Amanjit is not in a great mood this episode what with the monkey karking it, Maude busy-bottom interfering and bossing him around and the revelation that Pritchard was a conscientious objector during the First World War. So, to let off a bit of steam he goes into the garden and starts crazily firing his pistol at some tin cans. Lady Agnes and Dr Blanche Busy-Bottom come running out to see what the commotion is, Blache sees that this nonsense is stopped in a very British tone of voice as she addresses the gawping servants “The spectacle has ended, and as we are in England I suggest you make some tea.” Yep, that’s right, put a brew on peasants. 

They all make friends in the end and realise they have all been a bit silly. Lady Agnes does her bit in the absence of her husband to rally the troops and addresses them at their servants table with a rousing (and breathless) posh speech: “We all fit into this household in a different way, we come and go through different doors, we eat our meals at separate tables. But, we all give 165 Eaton Place as our address, and that means we are on the same side!” Hurrah lashing of ginger beer! Keeley (Ashes to Ashes) Hawes as Lady Agnes reminds me of something from Watch With Mother or Enid Blynton reading stories to little boys and girls. Intense RP and all so hoity toity and breathless whenever she speaks, it’s a shame, as she always ends up being the posh girl. She appears out of nowhere in quite a few of the shots and one of her lines makes me cringe: “Come upstairs and kiss the children Hallam. They are the future.” Ok love, it’s only a kiss on the forehead, no-need to ply anymore pressure on the guy whose trying to prevent the start of WW2. Anyway, that line sounds like something from a Micheal Jackson song.

Next thing we know, Hallam is over in Berlin doing man’s work, trying to sort this war thing out. His other more personal mission is to get his wife’s sister back from Berlin. Lady Percy (full name Lady Persephone Towyn, no wonder she shortened it) is a bit of a 1930s It Girl, she loves flirting, smoking, drinking expensive vodka (no Spar stuff for her) and flirting with lots of men (among other things.) She doesn’t seem to have a care in the world and shimmies around in her fitted red dress and bright red lipstick lips. Hallam spots her in an upmarket Berlin hotel doing all of the above (cue lots of fake laughter) and immediately disapproves. He walks her home and demands that she comes back to England with him, warning her of the danger she is in by remaining in Berlin. In a wooden manner (i.e. barely moving his face as he speaks) he says “You can leave with me tomorrow. I can take you home.” “No” she replies lunging towards him and giving him a long lingering kiss on the lips “But I may come and wave you off” (which she pronounces ‘orff’.) Hallam doesn’t exactly react the way you would hope your husband would react if your sister snogged him (I smell a future plotline.) 

There will be inevitable comparisons to Downton, but Upstairs Downstairs feels much posher and more serious than its ITV rival (the politics of impending war was given much more time in this episode, than the whole of the First World War, which in Downton was summarised up in 2 episodes!) I don’t think either channel need worry, we all like a nice bit of period drama on a Sunday night either way. Anyway, I’d quite like to see a posh-off between Lady Agnes Holland and The Dowager Countess of Grantham (Maggie Smith) and see how that ends. Upstairs Downton-stairs…mmmm just imagine.