Simply Nigella, BBC 2, Monday 2 November 2015

Nigella made her comeback this week, with all the usual double entendres and delicious adjectives you’d expect from the domestic goddess. Her new series is like the Eat-Pray-Cook-Eat-Love-to-Eat of cookery shows (as in, look at where I’ve been,I’ve survived a divorce and a public court appearance.) Also, importantly I’ve got a new kitchen she beamed with those big brown eyes, oh and I’ve been to Thailand, look at my holiday pics (nice photos,prop person), I have big hair in some of them, but I still look great, and yeah the food was delicious, darling. It was all relax let’s cook, and I’m happy (and why not, Hugh is on in a min moaning about food waste) from the off…

She kicked off by buying some German (Dinklebrot, in case you are making notes at the back of the class) bread (as you do…what do you mean, you’ve never seen those circular brown breads made with aged spelt in Tesco?!) in a posh shop (at no doubt a hefty price tag), coming home and smearing it with smooth green avocado. Nigella enthused about the liberating noise an avocado makes when you scrape the flesh out. I’ve not done that description justice, but she made me want to grab some green fleshy goodness. Apparently, the internet (AKA Twitter - the Waldorf and Statler of armchair critics #Nigella) was riddled with comments moaning that avocado was her choice of opening recipe. There were cries of “she’ll be teaching us how to make a cuppa next!” I liked it, and it wasn't just green stuff on expensive European bread, it had other stuff on it, like, erm Breakfast Radish (a kitchen must have, obvs if you live in a certain postcode area.) WHO KNEW RADISH HAD A BREAKFAST OPTION!? (seriously I feel enlightened, and at the same time uneducated.)It was also a good excuse for Nigella to promote the beautiful relationship of her favourite recipe colours, it’s all about the green and pink you know (I prefer Green and Blacks personally.)

 The show carried on in it’s customary happy, right on, stylistic approach (how many home economists did they need?!), as we had many loving glances at the camera, chest upwards camera moments (of course) and pieces to camera littered with excitable food descriptions. Nigella always puts the style into food, even her pans look nice on the small screen (that wasn't meant to sound rude.) On the innuendo front it was oh so classic Nigella: “I love having an implement in each hand” she said with a twinkle in her eye and “I’m smearing Nigella seeds all over my cheek, but I feel I’m entitled too!” Funnily enough, no scriptwriter is acknowledged in the closing credits (maybe too busy flicking through the A-Z of sexy foodie sounding adjectives in the background?!) Or maybe Nigella is just having fun with her self parody. 

Her apricot and almond cake had me reaching for my red Kitchen Aid mixer (oh right forgot don’t have one, still on the kitchen equipment bucket list, start saving now in time for my 50th.) It was simple and who knew one could soak apricots (not me your honour!) And Nigella, you are so right baking is “uplifting and calming” unless, of course you have a small child nagging to be given a wooden spoon covered in raw egg mixture to devour. Cauliflower was given a good makeover too (I’ll always associate cauliflower with being so overcooked someone without teeth could enjoy it, sorry Mum!) in her yummy looking warmed spiced cauliflower and chickpea salad. Off to make both of these now…oh no, I haven't got those pomegranate seeds, dagnammit. 

I don’t care what went on in Nigella’s private life and which was publicly exposed on trial. I love her cooking (if you are interested “Kitchen” is my fav Nigella book), I love the genuine enthusiasm she draws from eating and making new foods (and the fact that she uses throwaway foil trays.) She makes food seem so opulent and exciting, and she does it all in the most amazing kitchen (kitchen envy alert!) I did however, really miss the “lets go into the fridge in my silky black dressing gown and trough a pint of double cream” ending as was so classic in her previous TV outings. Oh well, I might just go to my own fridge and stick my face into something unhealthy there, and work on my own elaborate ensemble of edible adjectives (steam swollen barley anyone?) 

Broadchurch, Monday 22 April 2013, ITV1

In my 3 plus decades on this earth, I have watched many and a varied collection of TV programmes, starting of course with the ground breaking Rainbow and Button Moon. I’m not sure how relevant that is to this blog post, but I just thought I’d share that with you readers because I always have something to say about telly. 

So, Broadchurch #closure #theend #whodunnit (I made the last two up, mainly because I just worked out where the hashtag shortcut was on the MAC!) The end this is the end, or so the guys at ITV kept on telling us, with their big publicity adverts at every available opportunity (ker-ching big bucks advertising revenue for ITV no doubt.) It has really gripped a nation, in a way I’ve not seen before, in a way some papers have compared to the “Who shot JR” phenomenon. Even my local sweetshop had a make shift sign up in their window promoting “10% off all sweets to mark the end of Broadchurch.” And, how I have been waiting for the end for erm, about 8 weeks. Broadchurch from the start, has tried hard to make itself different from other crime dramas on telly, with more emphasis on those left behind and the community in the aftermath of a murder.  It has desperately attempted to model itself in the guise of those Danish crime dramas (you all know the knitted jumper wearing detective one), where we have one murder and many many many weeks of procrastinating over who did it. All dark moody lighting, staring into the distance and lots (a bit too many) slo-mo shots. They even had a depressing sounding Scandinavian soundtrack as the end credits rolled (I guess Cliff’s Summer Holiday wouldn't have been appropriate.) 

The sad thing is, I kinda felt Broadchurch did it in a bit of a Cluedo way. Too many wasted weeks of red herrings, pointless scenes with not useful suspects and just a lot of dicking about. In it’s defence, it did have a few good characters, I liked Olivia Coleman’s naive but ultimately clueless DS Ellie Miller, some amazing performances from her last night. Danny’s Mum was good too, capturing the distraught mother looking for answers. But, for me, it was a bit too much Midsummer Murders, the characters like the physic phone mender (what was the point of him? apart from Will Mellor looking uncharacteristically dangerous) the vicar, who was just annoying and spent a lot of time in the hotel bar with the Aussie bird (do vicar’s do this, am I behind the times?) and finally, Nige, who perhaps was THE most annoying of the lot of them, very bad acting. You can imagine him moaning about how his crossbow jams up when he tries to shoot moving objects, when he should be mending your boiler. 

The accents - now, I like Dorset, beautiful part of our green and pleasant land, but the accents, well they just sounded way too much like where I come from (not Dorset), in fact I was wondering whether any of my old school friends or family might turn up in shot to add a bit of accent authenticity. This made it feel a bit, unbelievable. 

David Tennant - great actor, but what was going on with his hair colour?! He played the damaged cop with a battered background well and I thought he was at his best in the final episode. 

I guessed who dunnit about episode 5, it was a bit obvious, just a few things really hit home it was who it was. Particularly so when Ellie said to Pauline Quirke (who did some amazing moody grumpy cow acting prior to her exit in the penultimate episode, which I hope she would do on Danny’s skateboard) “How could you not know what was going on under your own roof.” Yes, exactly Sherlock. 

The final episode was pretty drawn out (us finding out the murderer at 9:10pm) but the rest of the episode was great, well, the last 10-15 mins, the aftermath and everyone’s reaction. I did really feel for Ellie Miller, and I think a better ending would have been the one where she just stood and starred at the Latimer’s house. But, this is drama, so we had quite a prolonged ending, where everyone came together, and viewers had a moments reflection on the death of Danny Latimer, oh and there was lots of fire lighting. 

For me, Broadchurch was mainly watchable because it was filmed in my home town (our local papers were so excited, and even my son’s hairdressers Mum had her picture taken with David Tennant! oooo) I saw Pauline Quirke in my local Tesco looking moody and fatigued (must be a method actor) and spotted the girl who played the journalist having a fag inbetween shots. If I gathered all of these spots together I’m sure I would have been £250 richer if I had submitted them to Heat magazine. Oh, and the church used was the one I got married in, so ner. Talking of location, my mother, wants me to point out that she is cross because everyone is saying it’s promoting beautiful Dorset and that it should be promoting Clevedon, cause that’s where most of it is filmed. So, anyway, I’ve said it now and can tell her so. 

As Twitter became flooded with “I told you it was him” and “no it can’t be him ITV!” an announcer declared that Broadchurch will return, Twitter then I suspect, became engorged with #countdowntonewseriesofBroadchurchcan’twait! Not sure what’s next for the poor old residents of rural Broadchurch, but let’s hope it’s at least a more exciting murder, a more thrilling list of characters and let’s hope David Tennant’s DI Alec Hardy has had a bit of a rest, a shave and perhaps a nice cooked meal from his Mum. 

Splash! ITV1, Saturday 5 January 2013

So the new year begins with the usual useless spray of celebrity infected programmes on our TV screens involving ice, a famous camera ridden house and now, erm, diving. I turned on Splash! (sorry yes don't forget the exclamation mark, cause nothing spells out a fun programme more than having one of these at the end of its name!) with some trepidation. Mainly because I was worried what it would do for Tom Daley's career (who since has been warned by British Swimming's Chief Executive about his move into mainstream telly.) He's a young enthusiastic man (great as a mentor on the show, resourceful as well, with Helen Leaderer and the mat-into-the-water trick), so you could almost predict the producers would be sniffing at his door even before he had managed to put his clothes back on after last year's bronze medal performance. 

The show in essence looks like a cross between It's a Knock Out and We are the Champions (for those who remember those glory days) and is filmed in the geographically tropical Luton swimming baths. There is something ever so faintly smelling of the 1970s about it, at the start we had various divers athletically bouncing off the boards into the water and then doing all sorts of moves to some music blocked out mainly by an over enthusiastic crowd and some swimming ear noises. Cue lots of flashing lights and whooping. Then we had the presenters. Let us not introduce any new and fresh presenters for the start of a new year, let us roll out the same two that are on our screens for most things either ITV or sport related, yes Vernon Kay and Gaby Logan. Vernon, resplendent in his deck shorts and boating shoes, looked like something from a cruise ship. Logan and Kay are pretty fearless, with their standing on the edge of the diving board ready to interview the celebrities pre-dive, some of whom look like they are bricking it. 

The judging panel is packed with two British diving experts and erm, Jo Brand. Yes, I know...bit of variety?! Maybe the Hoff was out the day the producers tried to call. Each week, different sets of "celebrities" have to do one dive from heights of their choice, and then they are awarded points and then people phone up and vote again giving ITV lots of money. In this first speedo-tastic espisode, we had the comedienne from Ab Fab (no not any of the famous ones, though Bubble would have been very amusing) the sleeezy guy from ITV comedy Benidorm (who looks as sleezy in real life as his sleezy on screen persona), Jenni Falconer (she who used to present GMTV, well sometimes) Omid Djalilii (who described his diving technique as being like a pig being fired into a trough) and one of the Sugarbabes called Jade (there have been so many variations of the Sugarbabes lineup that they should be renamed). Each of the contestants wore various states of undress, adorned with lots of glitter and bling, I'm not sure whether to detract from their cringeworthy or awkward to watch dives. 

There was some blatant budgie smugglers in the mix and some very tighty gold bikinis for the more daring. Amazingly, each of the female celebrities managed to dive with a full face of slap, thank goodness for waterproof mascara, no-one likes an Alice Cooper look post dive darling. Oh, even before I get to the diving, did I mention that the hoards of (mainly girls) in the audience scream every time Tom Daley appears, it's like One Direction keep on surfacing from the shallow end in their armbands, such is the fervour for this bronzed six-packed 18 year old (sorry, just describing him for those who don't know who he is...)

Essentially, it's a terrible concept, 5 two-second dives making up a 90 minute show, really??? Although Omid Djalili's swan dive from the 10 metre platform was not at all graceful, it was brave, and some of the dives by the two more leaner celebrities were pretty good for amateurs, that is until they turned into banana shapes as they hit the water, ouch! So stuck was the programme with trying to pad out the 90 chlorine-filled minutes that they introduced a bizarre badly choreographed diving/dancing routine with guys dressed as James Bond leaping into the water below, all very strange. Women according to the first programme can't dive, as they were just seen straddling the men while pouting in their clingy Bond girl dresses (see I told you it whiffed of the 70s.) After much thought (well, minimal really) I can conclude that this is going to be one of those programmes that is so utterly rubbish we can't stop watching it. With an average of 5.6 million viewers on it's first night, there must be a lot of crazy folk out there, ultimately just wanting to see celebrities belly flopping, or loosing their trunks... 

Homeland, Sunday 7 October 2012, Channel4

 Homeland returned to our screens this week, with all the cleverly crafted tension and suspense from the first series. Quick recap: Carrie is now living a seamlessly simple life in suburbia as a teacher, following her expulsion from the CIA, and some rather nasty electro-convulsive therapy. Brody meanwhile is now in office serving his first term as Congressman (even though he almost blew up a lot of people at the end of the last series, though little did they know) so unfortunately this will mean less uniform and more West-Wing styling. I could spend all day recapping what went on before, but I think it’s safe to say, that although what went on before was important, this series will delve even deeper into the complications of secrets and lies surrounding homeland security. Or more simply put: who is the real threat or baddie here?!

Clare Danes is brilliant as bi-polar Carrie Mathison. She brings a very real performance, which can be uncomfortable to watch at times, but adds to the overall high drama of the show. She’s not your usual good guy, she has lots of flaws, which makes her watchable. You know she hates the CIA for what they did to her, but she will always be an agent, no matter what. It’s strange to think years ago she was the moody teenager Angela in My So Called Life. Brit actor Damian Lewis is so all-American as Nicholas Brody, that you sometimes forget he’s from across the pond, he’s also another excellent leading cast member, and teeters between over confidence and vulnerability, as he tries to continue this life as diligent husband and father and then his life as potential terrorist, for the controlling Abu Nazir. 

Meanwhile, in the Middle East all is not well. Angry protesters outside the US Embassy burn American and Israeli flags. Turns out a new asset called Fatima, has important information on a potential attack on America, and will only talk to Carrie about it. Cue, some fairly unemotional unapologetic requests for her to visit Beruit, by David Estes (the director of the Counterterroist Centre at the CIA AKA her former boss.) He tells her it will only be a few days away (hardly a glamorous working holiday David), and that they need her. Well you shouldn't have got rid of her in the first place! They conduct this highly secret CIA discussion on Carrie’s Dad’s porch, not the safest of places to do so. Carrie goes (does some amazingly quick packing for a girl) and gets a makeover (disguise of course) turning all brunette and brown eyed. 

Soon she’s being pursued through the busy streets of Beruit and swapping headscarfs to outwit her pursuers, I preferred the second headscarf too Carrie, good choice. The lovely Saul (Carrie’s long-time mentor in the CIA) who is really like a nice Grandad trying to tell her not to get in trouble, is back working with Carrie, he who originally gave her the call to pre-warn her they needed her. Of course we have the whole, who is the CIA mole thing going on as well, which although wasn't touched upon in this opening episode, will I’m sure be a big part of the new series. I just hope it isn’t Saul, he’s kind of like Father Christmas but with less whiteness in the beard area, and if it is him it will be like finding out the tooth fairy was just my parents after all. 

Away from the highly stressful Middle East, Brody is all suited and booted and living this new political lifestyle. The kids have been moved to a posh school, and the wife (who reminds me a lot of Victoria Beckham) is still quite fake and ambitious (though I don’t think she would want us to think this.) Dana, Brody’s perpetually moody teenage daughter, gets a little miffed during a political assembly, and blurts out that her Dad is a Muslim (er AWKWARD!) This in turn creates a big argument back at home between the Mum and daughter, where Brody is forced to admit he has converted. Man, the wife is not happy. She’s quite ‘pissed‘ as Americans would put it. 

There are some other new characters this series, including a reporter, with a really bad English accent (why do they always make the English baddies?!) who is in fact linked to Abu Nazir, and who is already telling Brody to steal some top secret info from David Estes‘ safe. She’s already moving in on Estes, asking him out for dinner, DON”T DO IT DAVID! It’s already clear that Abu Nazir wants Brody to exact revenge on America for the death of his son, and that his agenda from the last series hasn't changed. Maybe it’s Brody’s agenda which might change (especially following his failed suicide bomb attack in last series’ thrilling finale), who knows, but it’s obvious that Brody will be asking lots of questions, and that he might soon figure out that he’s being used as a pawn in a lethal terrorist's game. But let’s hope he doesn't work this out too quickly, as it will be a very rubbish and short second series.

Carrie and Brody don’t cross paths in this episode, but you can already feel it’s building up to that explosive reunion. Will they join sides, or will they both continue to have a strong suspicion of each other? It’s either going to be jumping into bed together or gouging each other’s eyes out, I predict somewhere in-between those two states and undoubtedly complex. This first episode crawled along in a slower pace than previous episodes, but I sense that this is just the start of some fairly big story lines and plot wows along the way. It’s certainly a clever way to get you re-hooked again and wishing for the next episode. I’m looking forward to it.      

Downton, Sunday 16 September 2012, ITV1

It started with the customary labrador's arse and finished with a glamourous society wedding. Yep, it's back, with it's third series in 2 years (that Fellows guy must be typing all night, every night!) Was it really back in the New Year that old blue eyes Matthew proposed to Mary in the snow? How time flies when you are an aristocrat.

It's 1920, will it be roaring? The family has got through the First World War in record time and now it's time for a new era, but pretty much the same questionable dialogue ("Have you done something jolly with your hair?") and lingering acting. So, it's the build up to Lady Mary and Matthew's wedding, and we have much flirty dialogue between the two, though he should be careful, the last guy she took to bed snuffed it, be careful there me lad.

Lord Grantham meanwhile is still doing his someone-has-just-farted-and-I'm-trying-not-to-sniff-it acting. Still wearing the same starchy suits, still puffing his chest out a lot. The middle sister (whose name I think is Edith) still has all the rubbish story lines, and still appears to be banging on the door of opportunity with that bumbling older guy Sir Anthony (who last series I remember told her it was a no no.) Maybe they are waiting until series 22 (I predict there will be that many) for her to get a story, by which point she will be a bitter and twisted old gal who just sits in a red velvet chair and tries to be as good with the one liners as granny was.

Some things never change at Downton, formuliac is the word of choice:

- The little maid Daisy (who would be great in Coronation Street) still moans about her role in the kitchen (shut up and do that wiping up)

- Thomas is still a brillo-creamed pantomine baddie, but now he gets to choose what pants the Lord wears every day

- Maggie Smith as Granny Downton (or the Dowager Countess if you wish to be posh about it) still gets the funniest and most observant lines "When I'm with her I'm reminded of the virtues of the English."

- The other servant woman, Miss O'Brien, the female version of Thomas, is still resentful of almost everything in life and has still failed to register a smile in this, or any previous episodes

- Bates looking moody and incarcerated. Yawn.  

The most interesting storyline for me has been the return of Sybil and her new husband (the lovely) Tom Branson (or Branon Pickle the former chauffeur.) He's a very staunch Irish Republican, much to the awkwardness of the stiff family, he's all down with the monarchy and all that, which caused some interesting scenes over the dinner table. There was real tension at some points, and a few of them downstairs were a bit peeved that he was mingling upstairs. Daddy Downton wasn't best welcoming on the subject of what Tom should call him now "He can call me Lord Grantham." Oh Hugh, I bet he calls you a few other names behind your back! I'm really intrigued to see how this story progresses, and I think Tom is going to provide some good political entertainment, way better than charades after dinner. Sybil I think is pregnant, although it was only mentioned one or two times, anyway she looks bloody tired, so she must be pregnant (they didn't hang around did they!) She is certainly going to have some testing times between loyalties.

This series we get the much anticipated introduction of Cora's mother, Martha (played by Shirley Maclaine.) Her and granny don't get on, funny that. She is what the English would refer to as a typical American. I predict some comedy lines between the two old ladies. Funny to watch, but not a great deal in the way of storyline, but by golly a lot of wrinkly skin.

It was most amusing (already getting into Downton sounding talk) reading the official Downton Twitter page, during the programme (all for research you must understand.) They were just essentially quoting lines from the show as they happened. Eh? Now, what I think would make much better Twitter following would be some live Tweets from the characters themselves (they had iPads in 1920 right?) For example: @cousinmatthew Bloody collar won't fit, too many game pies during last night's banquet. Bugger! or @TomBranson This suit is too fecking hot. Lordy keeps on giving me evils. Or @Granny Downton Maclaine will never be as good as me. I'm a Dame you know, so back of bitch. Tea anyone?

One part of the plot which annoyed me, was the silly 'oh no Lord Grantham has lost all of Cora's money by investing it in some dodgy Canadian rail road business' and in the same breath,oh hang on a tick, what a coincidence, cousin Matthew has just inherited a stack of cash. Woop. This reminded me of last series with the storyline of 'oh no, Matthew can't walk' oh, stop a second there, 'oh wait, he can walk, he's practically running to the gin cabinet. Hurrah old chap!'

As usual, the dialogue goes a bit modern sometimes, as Sir Anthony displayed when he asked Edith about the wedding "How's it going?" Really, would he have said that, in 1920?!? Anyway, some would argue that it's just artistic licence, and too much jolly this and spiffing that would get boring, why not inject some street slang too? Just a thought Julian. This opening episode did it's usual Downton-esque thing of speeding through one storyline to the other, in a race to get to the end of the episode having tried to fit in as much as possible.

Downton is familiar and safe, and easy viewing, perfect for Sunday night, and it's great going back in time watching how sumptuous society was (well, a small part of society then, let's face it!) I am, however, itching to see some more in the way of testing story lines (but as a heads up my next thinking is that Mary and Matthew will have problem conceiving and will get one of the random maids to carry a baby for them.) But failing this, I'm sure the Anglo-American rivalry between the two batty old birds will keep me amused for now. One thing though, watching Downton just makes me wish that French and Saunders were still in their parody business, they would do a fine job of sending up Downton, Dawn as the Lord...I can just see it now.....

 

Doctor Who, Saturday 8 September 2012, BBC1

Let me start this post by saying I’m not a die-hard fan of Dr Who. But, in view of trying to review a mix of shows here on Square Eyes, I thought I’d give it a go this week. Variety is the spice of a TV life and all that. 

It’s been many moons since I last sat down and watched an episode of Doctor Who. I may have dabbled here and then a few times into David Tenant’s quiffy-haired version, but prior to this it had been Sylvester McCoy, the 7th Doctor, back in the late 80s. He was the Doctor of my childhood viewing, with his little pork pie hat and big excited eyes. He had an assistant called Sophie something who wore a big puffa jacket (before Bianca Jackson stole the look) and the acting was pretty rubbish, oh and the sets moved. It did just enough though to scare the little pants off of me, and I do remember enjoying watching it on a weekly basis. 

The Doctor Who of today is a much more slick affair, with a much needed investment in both it’s special effects and script department. With a string of high profile actors at the helm it’s a far cry from the stick-on lizard masks of the previous generation. Will I still like it with all this extra oomph? Better get on and review it...

Egypt 1334 BC. The Doctor has just been having some adventures in Egypt and is trying (unsuccessfully) to escape from the over-amorous clutches of the famous Egyptian diva herself - Queen Nefertiti. Oh well, might as well bring her along he thinks, I like picking up random historical figures, adds to the drama. 

The Doctor speaks incredibly fast and randomly (though fans will tell me this is part of his crazy set up) and most of the time I’m not sure what the heck is going on. However, if an 8 year old kid can understand him every Saturday evening, then surely I can, right? He picks up the Ponds (I will refer to them as the Ponds even though the end credits tell me only Amy is legally a Pond), well he crashes in on them while they are trying to work out how to fix a light fitting, along with Rory’s gormless Dad. Suburbia is so often disturbed by a time lord when fixing electrics. Anyway, all 3 of them come along for the ride, and on the way he makes his posse complete by picking up a posh English explorer from 1902. Wham, he has a gang! All they need now is an annoying dog and they can board the Mystery Machine. 

They land on this space ship, and surprise surprise not all is as it seems on the lonely vessel. Something is lurking, no it’s not Sigourney Weaver coming out of retirement dressed as an alien. “I know, Dinosaurs on a spaceship!!” the Doctor says so excitedly that his bow tie might just pop off. Roll pimped up titles, someone’s had fun recreating these and adding lots of lightening flashes. 

Anyway, bling titles over - the dinosaurs are not best pleased and are after the gang. The Doctor, Rory and Rory’s Dad, Brian, are unexpectedly teleported to some windswept beach (probably Pembrokeshire then.) They stare a lot at a random computer embedded into the rocks, and deduce that the spaceship is being controlled by the waves (not sure whether the watery variety or the radio variety.) Oh no, Pterodactyls appear in the sky. Run! They actually look pretty realistic (not that I lived during the roaming of dinosaurs, but I’ve seen the pictures) well done BBC special effects dept. They escape into a cave and are then confronted by two comedy robots, voiced by the two guys from Peep Show. “We’re very cross with you” they say “you are going straight to the naughty step!” Super Nanny is that you encased in metal with a comedy English accent? 

The world’s tallest woman, Amy Pond, and the other two historical dudes meanwhile find some data records (they are sooo good at finding all these computers among all the scary reptiles.) They reveal that whoever ran the ship left in a major hurry (or were they wiped out? ooo it’s a mystery), turns out they were some strange sounding species that Pond can say, but whose name I can neither spell or say. They had lizardy heads and talked in a posh accent (as all Doctor Who baddies do.) “We’re on an ark” Amy shouts “why are the dinosaurs still on board? and why is the ship still coming back to earth?” she asks. I don’t know either Amy, perhaps a new installation at The Natural History Museum?? 

The Doctor is taken by the funny robots to an old creepy guy called Soloman. He listens to classical music (why do baddies always have a thing for Mozart?) Soloman is all wires and tubes, and a breathless wheeze, he expects the Doctor to make him better (chewed legs following a dinosaur run in.) Come on man, it’s obvious this guy is the bad dude. Turns out he got rid of the lizard people as he wanted the dinosaur cargo for himself, what a nasty man. He needs help to get to where he wants to go (not a very easy to read sentence is it!?) and expects the Doc to assist. 

Blah blah blah (I’m getting a bit bored of the story now) they all mount a dozey Triceratops and run like the wind, while being chased by the comedy duo robots, oh and there are missiles heading for the space ship from earth . “So what’s the plan?” asks the eternally gormless Rory. “The missiles are locked onto us we can’t out run them we have to save the dinosaurs and get Nefertiti back from Soloman isn’t it obvious!” Gasp, yes no punctuation here as this is how the Doctor speaks. Just a passing thought, but there are times that Matt Smith sounds a bit like Bill Nighy. O o o, Bill Nighy for the next Doctor, someone for the silver generation?! 

Back to a storyline which seems to be running through the series, but which I really don’t get,not being an avid viewer. The whole Doctor-Rory-Amy three-some...what is going on here? It’s obvious that she lurves him, or am I just an amateur viewer and missing something deep rooted? Answers on a postcard please. Amy tells the doc it’s longer in between the adventures they have together, and accuses him of weaning them off of him. Tension. He denies this of course, and they have a moment, before there is some big explosion or something. 

Rory and his Dad end up being the heroes of the day, steering the space ship (do you steer a space ship?) “Rory we’re flying a spaceship” says Brian excitedly. The baddie meanwhile gets blown up by the missiles. Yay. They all live happily ever after, and Brian even gets to have a ride in the Tardis and go on some adventures. 

Doctor Who is a funny one. I think it tries a bit too hard sometimes, especially with some of the dialogue which tends to try and be a bit too clever and innuendo ridden, Amy Pond mentioning “a lesson in gender politics” sits a bit strangely. There is no doubt that it is adventuresome and exciting for a certain audience, and it’s very stylish to look at (obviously a lot of hard work goes into it’s looks.) But, I can’t help thinking (opps sounding a bit like Carrie Bradshaw there) that it spends too much time focusing on the main characters (same old same every week) and not actually spending enough time on making a really good and original story which is watchable in every episode. Maybe I just picked a bad episode to review! Often feels like they are also in a bit of a storyline rush to get from start to finish as quick as possible. I’m all for either an old dude or a woman to be the next Doctor, mix it up in sci-fi land, who knows, either that or Boris Johnson as the next Doctor, he certainly ticks all the crazy boxes. 

Dallas, Channel 5, Wednesday 5 September 2012

At primary school we used to sing a rude song which had the Dallas theme tune, but right now I can't remember the words...

Anyway, Dallas returns, after I don't know how long, but last time I watched it I had My Little Pony pyjamas from C & A (highly flammable of course) on and my Mum would cover my eyes if there were any 'rudey' bits. We also still had Betamax. Yep, it's back, with a new 2012 coat, a new cast (well they kept the old guys in for familiarity), new horses, and still the same rubbish dialogue and over the top eye brow raisers we associate with this Texan melodrama. Channel 5, those bastions of high culture and cutting edge television, have taken it on, which means for the first time I'm reviewing something from my least watched TV channel. 

Cue athletic looking cows and luscious Texan green fields..."I've got a reading John-Ross" says the perfect looking girl to the man dozing with the stetson on his head. Low and behold they've struck oil, wooo yeah. They jump up and cavort excitedly at the gushing black stuff, they have a wet oily snog. "How you gonna tell Bobby? No one's ever been able to drill on South Fork." He looks steely "Trust me" he says. Uh oh, I know this is the start of something big and over the top.

Next the great Bobby Ewing has cancer, but refuses to tell his family following his doctors advice. "I've got family business to attend to before anyone knows I'm dying" he says, getting up and winking at the doctor. And then, bam, opening titles start, yay they have used the old music (just digitally done of course), with the same sliding montage, but unfortunately no cheesy actor shots of them in role, boo. 

Jesse Metcalfe is Christopher Ewing (he formally of Desperate Housewives) Bobby's son, and is in some sort of energy business. He is trying to do a deal with two middle aged dudes at a country club and uses some tough business speak "I'm not a virgin, but I ain't a whore either!" Mmm, stirring dialogue, that's one way to not seal the deal. 

On the other side of Dallas land we have John-Ross, JR's son. He is blatantly a baddie, the bum fluff musketeer excuse of a moustache/beard gives it away. He's up to something. What a rogue. 

The great JR meanwhile is cooped up in some nursing home with depression. Man, he looks old. But he still has those amazing killer eyebrows which curl up at the end. Bobby, his brother (for those unfamiliar with the rich family history) goes to see him. Bobby delivers a heartfelt but mainly naff sounding dialogue to his estranged brother "All that fighting JR, over Ewing oil and South Fork. Those fights changed me in a way I don't like. I worry about Christopher and John-Ross, I want them to have a chance to be a family without all the bitterness and bad blood you and I had. I don't want them to be like us." Gripping stuff, not. I don't think Jimmy McGovern has anything to worry about in the script writing department. Besides JR doesn't listen, he just stares, either that or he's listening to One Direction on his gold encrusted iPod. But actually Bobby, we do want the boys to have bad blood, cause if not, we wouldn't have a series. 

There's definitely a lot of unresolved lust tension between John-Ross' girlfriend Elena and Christopher. She is the daughter of South Fork's house maid (Spanish of course) and grew up with the Ewing boys. I bet they all rolled in the hay together with their pale blue denim on when they were teenagers. Christopher's latest squeeze is Rebecca who is soon to be his wife. She seems like a good girl, her parents died in a plane crash and she plays tennis. 

The Ewing boys argue over the dinner table (no not the size of it) about oil and new energy, lots of curled lips and frowns (though I can't see many frown lines, must have a big botox budget on Dallas.) Bobby breaks up the argument by dropping his own Bobby-sized bombshell - the time has come to sell South Fork - noooooo. John Ross jumps up and tells him to get in his truck and follow him. No time for sentiment here. He shows him where he has struck oil. Bobby is not impressed. I mean, look at the mess. "This will make us richer than we ever imagined uncle Bobby." Oh John Ross, look at his face, does he look pleased?! It all kicks off. Bobby says John Ross has disrespected his mamma's wishes and respects, that no oil should ever be drilled for on the South Fork land. John Ross tells Christopher that Bobby isn't his father. Oh man, that was rather unsporting. Quick an oily scrap on the floor between the two boys, which looks very 80s. "There is no drilling on my ranch boy" shouts Bobby to mini JR. Think this means war, which will now be the theme for EVERY episode. It has begun. 

John Ross doesn't take a telling off very well, and the next day (wow things work fast in Texas) he has filed an injunction against the sale of South Fork, wanting to overturn the terms of his grandmother's will. Bobby aint a man to take things lying down "If John Ross wants to turn South Fork into a battlefield, I will give him the fight of his life!" Go Bobby. Loving this cheese filled dialogue, there are some crackers (pardon the pun.) 

Oh no, Christopher is in his lab (trying to look like he is the sort of guy who studies rocks) and has just found out that one of his research projects might have triggered an earthquake - while extracting methane from the ocean floor - gasp. Oh poop he's thinking. It's too much drama, and we aren't even half way through. 

More JR now. Both big and small versions. John Ross has a good old rant to his daddy about how rubbish his life is and what an old killjoy his uncle Bobby is. JR meanwhile sits there with his eyes closed, silent. I feel like any minute old JR is going to jump up and break into a musical melody from the shows. Then, he speaks. 39 mins in and 21 years later, JR speaks. "Bobby was always a fool and as stubborn as a mule" (why JR your'e a poet but you don't know it). JR is back. "We've got some catching up to do son" he says, flashing that old mischievous smile, I partly want him to do an evil laugh at this stage and rub his hands together. Shame he does no such thing. 

John Ross (still plotting) asks Elena to spy on Christopher. "You and Christopher used to study rocks right?" (it's a good job Geologists are too bright to even tune into this programme.) Elena visits him in his lab, and hands him back a box with an engagement ring in, tears in her eyes. She is a rubbish spy. 

Back at South Fork, there is a disturbance (no it's not Patrick Duffy's hot air). Mrs Bobby (she seems that unimportant in this episode I can't even remember her name!) goes to investigate, as any hard as nails Texan woman would. This is Texas remember, so having a gun in your house is like wearing a pair of socks everyday. Behold a cabinet (in the kitchen, probably next to a fridge full of steaks) of every size rifle and shotgun you can imagine, forget shoe cabinets, this lady knows her weapons! She catches the culprit in Bobby's office "I don't miss Mr, not at any range." Oh er, she means business. But anyway, she doesn't shoot him and he smashes through the window to get out (the door was far too practical an exit option obviously.) We all know the burglar bill works for dick dastardly and is trying to steal info, snore, no news there then.

Yay, it's the wedding of Christopher and Rebecca (who is quite a dull character, probably there for skin content only.) Some old characters turn up, with small speaking parts, one of whom was on Dancing on Ice. Can't get more celebrity than that now. 

JR junior has now found out that Christopher's alternative gas (tee hee) is unstable. Mwah ha ha, he twiddles his moustache as he revels in this information (stolen of course.) We couldn't get through a whole episode of Dallas without some blackmail - so John Ross (just a thought is his real name Jonathan Ross and is he about to turn chat show host?) does just that, saying he will tell Bobby about the dodgy gas if Christopher doesn't persuade Bobby to not sell South Fork (get that drift?) Lots of squaring up of bronzed chins and very OTT acting for effect, plus lots of very LOUD background music. 

At 1 hour 2 mins in we get a SLAP, right in the chops Christopher. A right proper 1980s soap opera slap from Elena. She follows this up by saying she will always love him "but we are two people from two different circumstances." Deep. Turns out they were supposed to be married and she had an email from him saying he couldn't go through with it so she was jilted. Shock horror, it turns out it was Mr nasty-but-handsome-John Ross who sent the email and split the young lovers up, so so he could get his hands on her. The cad. Christopher finds JR junior outside and snarls at him (after some glass smashing for dramatic effect) "I know it was you!" 

Anyho, the marriage goes ahead, with a cheesy slow-mo of them all kissing and hugging, with the background music provided by Adele (who else of course - no one better to sing about heartbreak or lost love.) Elena looks on, jealous, but demure. 

Bobby goes ahead and does the deal, and sells South Fork to some random glamourous Mexican-looking woman called Marta, who buys land. Although, all is not as it seems...(drum roll) it appears she is also working with the new (and now no longer depressed) old JR (get that) and that the whole deal was a set up. "Bobby may not be stupid, but I'm hell of a lot more smarter" he says to a shocked John Ross. Well, this isn't the end...wait another cotton picking Texas minute...Marta is also working with John Ross, he has grand plans so that "South Fork can be mine and only mine." He's certainly driven, I'll give him that, or maybe more bitter and twisted and Machiavellian. "The fun is just beginning" he says cocking his rather large eye brow and seductively placing his stetson on his head. 

Dallas is pretty good fun, and if you watch it with a good sense of irony you will easily pass away a good hour or so of cheesy acting and appalling dialogue. It's not testing TV, but you might find it's so bad that it's good (yes one of those I'm afraid.) Just don't go expecting some great Shakespearian yarn, more likely lots of rippled torsos, bonking, long nails, oil, money and bitchyness, oh and JR senior up to his same old backhanded tricks while flexing his curly eyebrows all in the name of acting.